PARADISE LOST: CONFESSIONS, WEST OF MEMPHIS

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For those unfamiliar with the case of the so-called West Memphis Three, here’s a chronology of events.

And here’s a short history of my interest in the case:

1) On May 5, 1993, the day the three cub scouts were brutally murdered, hogtied and tossed into a watery ditch, I was tanning all day by the family pool. That night, I heartily quaffed a few carafes of fine wine at a bacchanal and had carnal knowledge with a bevy of delightfully delectable divotchka’s. I know this because that’s what I did every day and night back then.

2) My girlfriend and I saw Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills in 1996. On the drive home we discussed the case for a few minutes. Both of us were undecided as to the guilt or innocence of the soon-to-be called WM3. After having a pleasant dinner at Chi-Chi’s Mexican restaurant, we repaired to her parent’s house and made mad passionate love. Employing several devastating sexual techniques, which I’ve copyrighted, patented and trademarked, I effortlessly brought the two of us to simultaneous orgasm, then rolled over and dozed off as she droned on about the sanctity of our love or some such thing. By then I’d forgotten all about the case. In fact, I don’t think I gave it another thought until…

3) …Paradise Lost 2: Revelations came out in 2000. I saw it by myself. On the drive home I discussed the case with myself for a few minutes and concluded that I was still undecided as to the WM3’s (and Byers’) guilt or innocence. That night I had dinner by myself, went to bed by myself, and cried myself to sleep thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I didn’t give the case another thought until…

4) …2011, when the WM3 took the Alford plea and Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory came out. This turn of events piqued my interest in the case like never before, but still not enough to make me actively research it.

5) In late 2012 I moved to Dollars, Taxes with my two cats, Iggy and Tara. People think I’m bragging when I say I live with two females, but it’s totally true. I just don’t mention that I have to scoop their poop. Around this time I started following Damien “I believe in Magick” Echols on Twitter. To my surprise, he answered (and “favorited”) a few of my tweets, though not the one in which I informed him that the Moon was just a lifeless rock forever orbiting senselessly around the Earth.

6) I saw West of Memphis on January 27, 2013. (Later that night, I watched an unrelated documentary called Machete Maidens Unleashed! But never mind about that. That’s a completely different story.) If you’re looking for an objective analysis of the case, you won’t find it in West of Memphis, a blatantly one-sided advocacy piece which aims to prove the trio’s innocence once and for all while pointing an accusing finger at Terry Hobbs, the stepfather of victim Stevie Branch.

7) Still harboring doubts about the purported innocence of the WM3, I googled “the WM3 are guilty” and found highly researched sites like wm3truth.com forcefully arguing against the WM3. More importantly, I discovered an exhaustive archive of case documents and trial transcripts at callahan.8k.com. And so, for the first time, I found myself researching the case in earnest.

8) From there, I decided to write a series of posts, each one focusing on a key aspect of the case, using a “what West of Memphis tells you/what West of Memphis doesn’t tell you” approach. First topic: Jessie’s confession(s).

Note: The first ten people to comment on this post will not receive a complimentary X tattoo on his or her derrière, courtesy of Damien “I’m not a tattoo artist” Echols.

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Jessie’s confession(s)

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(Oops, now I really gone and done it.)

What West of Memphis tells you: Misskelley’s June 3, 1993 confession was coerced and false.

What West of Memphis doesn’t tell you: Misskelley confessed numerous times, both before and after his conviction.

On June 3, 1993, Jessie Lloyd Misskelley Jr., affectionately known as Little Jessie or Lil Jessie or Lil J, confessed for the first time, implicating Damien Echols and Jason Baldwin in the process. You can read the transcript of the confession here and/or listen to the recording of it here.

The problem is that the confession is riddled with inaccuracies, full of details that contradict the known facts of the case. For example, Misskelley initially claims he was at Robin Hood Hills on the morning of May 5, 1993 even though the murders occurred sometime after 6:30 PM that evening:

DETECTIVE GITCHELL: What time did you get there?
MISSKELLEY: I got there about 9.
DETECTIVE GITCHELL: In the morning?
MISSKELLEY: Mm-hmm.
DETECTIVE GITCHELL: Of Wednesday morning?
MISSKELLEY: Mm-hmm.

Only after police prompting does Misskelley get the timeline correct:

DETECTIVE GITCHELL: Just sit there. Jessie, uh, when when you got with the with the boys and with Jason and Baldwin when you three were in the woods and then the little boys come up, about what time was it? When the boys came up to the woods?
MISSKELLEY: I would say it was about it was about five or six, five or six.
DETECTIVE GITCHELL: Now, did you have your watch on at the time?
MISSKELLEY: Un-uh.
DETECTIVE GITCHELL: You didn’t have your watch on?
MISSKELLEY: Un-uh.
DETECTIVE GITCHELL: Uh, alright you told me earlier around seven or eight or, which time is it?
MISSKELLEY: It was seven or eight.
DETECTIVE GITCHELL: Are are you sh-
MISSKELLEY: I remember it was starting to get dark.

How do we account for this whopping time discrepancy? Was Misskelley *misleading* the cops or were the cops *leading* Misskelley?

But that’s just one of many discrepancies. Misskelley also claims that the boys were tied up with rope (they were tied with shoelaces); that only their hands were tied up (they were hogtied); that Christopher Byers was choked to death with a stick (he was beaten and, possibly, castrated); and that the boys were sodomized (the autopsy showed no evidence of anal penetration). Supporters contend that these and other inaccuracies prove that Misskelley never stepped foot in those woods, that he was pressured by overzealous cops into giving a false confession.

Non-supporters, on the other hand, contend that Misskelley voluntarily confessed but tried to downplay his involvement at the same time. I find this problematic. Downplaying his involvement is one thing. Forgetting details is another. Intentionally misleading cops with obviously bogus details in a supposedly voluntary confession is something else entirely. Why didn’t Jessie downplay his involvement without including the gross inaccuracies? Why provide details that both he and the cops know to be untrue? Take the time discrepancy. If guilty, Jessie knows, and he knows the cops know, that the murders occurred in the evening. There’s no point in lying about that since both parties know the facts. He might try to fudge some details the cops weren’t certain about, for example by saying that he never struck the boys or that he left the crime scene early, but saying the murders occurred in the morning, which he and the cops both know is a barefaced lie, makes no sense. Why not say, 1) he was there at 7 PM, 2) he chased down Michael Moore and brought him back to Damien and Jason, 3) he watched Damien and Jason brutally beat and murder the boys, hogtie them with their own shoelaces, and throw them in the water, and 3) he left. That way, he confesses, gets the facts right, and downplays his involvement. Deliberately adding erroneous details to throw off the cops is gratuitous. Why would he do that? Why purposely make a voluntary confession appear false?

Perhaps Jessie never intended to confess. Perhaps he slipped up by admitting to chasing down Michael Moore. Perhaps after making this blunder he tried to limit the damage by intentionally lying. In other words, he bumbled his way into confessing and then tried to bumble his way out of it, only to get himself hopelessly entangled in a web of truths, half-truths, and outright falsehoods. Perhaps.

Either way, it seems supporters have Occam’s razor on their side: Jessie got the details wrong simply because he wasn’t there. But maybe things aren’t that simple. After all, Misskelley didn’t confess just this once. He confessed at least six times - to the cops, to the prosecutors, and even to his own attorneys. Of course, if that first confession is false then the rest of them must be too - unless somehow he was innocent on June 3, 1993 but guilty later. Still, Misskelley’s serial confessions surely must give supporters pause. Has there ever been a case, anywhere, at any time, in the entire history of the judicial system, in which a wrongfully tried and convicted person so repeatedly confessed?

On June 11, 1993, a few days after confessing to police, and again on August 19, 1993, a few months before his trial, Misskelley confessed to his defense attorneys, Dan Stidham and Greg Crow. Coercion was not a factor in these confessions, so why did Jessie make them? According to Stidham, Jessie didn’t know what a defense lawyer was - he thought Stidham and Crow were working for the cops! I find this incredible, especially since Jessie and his father were, shall we say, no strangers to the criminal justice system.

More believable is that Stidham initially wanted to make a plea deal with prosecutors - and Jessie just went along with the plan. That was Stidham’s strategy until late September, 1993, when a private investigator working for Echols’ defense team convinced Stidham the confession was false, prompting a change in strategy: plead not guilty and argue that the cops coerced Jessie into confessing. And Jessie? Yep, he just went along with the change of plan.

Just how compliant is Lil J?

Breaking News: Jessie Misskelley admits to being the second gunman.

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FBI officials confirmed today that Lil Jessie Misskelley, the dumbass of the WM trio, has admitted to his involvement in the assassination of JFK. That Misskelley was born 12 years after the event in question is, officials concede, a mildly troubling discrepancy. Nevertheless, they insist that Lil J’s confession is fundamentally truthful. The following conversation took place between the FBI and Misskelley on 4-1-13:

FBI: Jessie, let’s go straight to that day - November 22, 1963. What happened on the grassy knoll?

Jessie: I ain’t never been on no glassy knoll.

FBI: Admit it, knucklehead! You’re the second shooter. Just confess and we’ll go easy on you. Now tell us what happened.

Jessie: When I was there, I saw Oswald shoot that man…

FBI: President Kennedy?

Jessie: Right. Then he started screwin’ him and stuff. And then I left.

FBI: Quit downplaying your involvement. Tell us the truth!

Jessie: The truth is, me and Oswald done it.

FBI: You shot Kennedy from the grassy knoll?

Jessie: Yeah, Oswald done shot him from that there book suppository building, then I done blowed his brains out from that there glassy knoll. Then I left.

FBI: What time were you there?

Jessie: To my knowledge, I’m gonna say midnight.

FBI: And when you say midnight, you mean noon, right?

Jessie: Right, I was there at noon.

FBI: What weapon did you use?

Jessie: Ah…I done blowed his brains out with a high-powered pea shooter.

FBI: And when you say pea shooter, you mean Carcano rifle, right?

Jessie: I’m gonna say, right.

FBI: Just how stupid are you?

Jessie: To my knowledge, I’m gonna say borderline retarded.

FBI: There’s no borderline about it, Lil Jessie Misskelley, no borderline about it at all.

[Note: Actually, it might not be so easy to pressure Jessie into confessing. Check out the December 10, 1993 statement Jessie made to Stidham and defense witness Dr. William Wilkins, in which Stidham and Wilkins try unsuccessfully to coerce Jessie into confessing to a bogus robbery.]

The false confession defense failed at trial: on February 4, 1994 Jessie was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison plus 40 years without the possibility of patrol. No sooner had Lil J stepped foot out of the courthouse than he was at it again, confessing anew to the cops, this time to deputies transporting him to prison. Here’s the incident report.

Of all Jessie’s confessions this one seems the most difficult to explain away. Supporters contend that the post-conviction confessions were motivated by Jessie’s desire for a reduced sentence in exchange for testifying against Damien and Jason at their upcoming trial. But exactly when did prosecutors first approach Jessie about such a deal? Was it, ahem, between the time his sentence was read and when he stepped into the car transporting him to prison? Did prosecutors catch him in the hall on his way out the courthouse doors? Or did the feeble-minded Misskelley have enough sense to start angling for a reduced sentence before prosecutors approached him about it. Whatever the case, Jessie returned to his original admission of guilt. And he did so, as far as I can tell, of his own volition. Nobody is coercing him to confess. Nobody has broached the possibility of a reduced sentence. Yet there he is, blabbing nonstop to deputies about his participation in the murders all the way from the courthouse to the prison. The question is, why?

We might also ask why Jessie confessed again a few days later, on February 8, 1994, in a private tape-recorded conversation with Stidham. Prosecutors got wind of Jessie’s patrol car confession and went to the prison with Stidham to talk to Jessie about it. Once there, Stidham insisted on talking to his client alone. Not only that, he had Jessie make the statement with his hand on a Bible. Here’s the opening exchange:

STIDHAM: Okay. Jessie, a few minutes ago I asked you about making some statements to the officers when they transported you from Piggott to Pine Bluff. You told me that you had told them some stuff. Is that Correct?

MISSKELLEY: Yes, sir.

STIDHAM: And at first you told me that you were just making it up, that you were lying to them, and then you placed your hand on the Bible and told me that you were there when these boys got killed.

MISSKELLEY: Yes, sir.

STIDHAM: Uh, what’s the truth, Jessie? I want to know the truth.

MISSKELLEY: The truth is, me and Jason and Damien done it.

STIDHAM: You were there when the boys were killed?

MISSKELLEY: Yes, sir.

STIDHAM: Now, what’s going to be very important is for you to tell me why it was that you have been maintaining that you weren’t there all this time?

MISSKELLEY: I was scared.

STIDHAM: What were you scared of?

MISSKELLEY: I always lied and I hadn’t ever put my hand on the Bible and swore. Nobody didn’t tell me to do that. If they would have told me that at first, I would have done it. Nobody told me to put my hand on the Bible.

STIDHAM: Okay. So basically, you’ve been lying to me and Mr. Crow for the past seven, or so months - about not being there when in fact you were there?

MISSKELLEY: Yes, sir.

So, at first Jessie told Stidham he’d lied to the deputies. Then he put his hand on a Bible and confessed. Hmmm. Given that Jessie was born and raised in the Bible belt, could it be that the Good Book holds some totemic power over Lil J’s feeble mind, compelling him to tell the truth? About 45 minutes later Stidham emerged from the room visibly upset and muttering “What am I going to do now?” Yep, Lil J had gone and done confessed again.

Of course, just because Jessie had his hand on a Bible doesn’t mean he was telling the truth. Indeed, although Misskelley’s Bible confession aligns more closely than before with the facts of the case, perhaps because he incorporated details gleaned from his trial into the story, some of what he says still lacks the ring of authenticity, particularly references to an enigmatic, unnamed man in black who presided over satanic cult meetings Jessie allegedly attended with Damien and Jason.

STIDHAM: What’s he look like?

MISSKELLEY: He’s tall, got black hair. He looks just like Damien.

STIDHAM: Mustache, beard?

MISSKELLEY: Mustache and a beard.

STIDHAM: He had a mustache and a beard?

MISSKELLEY: Uh-huh, at that time he did.

STIDHAM: How can he look like Damien, Damien doesn’t have a mustache and a beard?

MISSKELLEY: When he shaves it he looks like Damien.

Aha, the black-clad mystery man with no name is the spitting image of Damien - except for, ya know, the mustache and beard. Only when clean shaven does the shadowy nameless one resemble Damien, doncha know? A satanic cult leader who looks just like Damien, eh? Hmmm, could he be…oh, I don’t know - SATAN!

But wait, his name starts with an “M”:

MISSKELLEY: Murphy - no. I can’t remember. I can’t think of his name.

STIDHAM: Murray?

MISSKELLEY: It started with a M.

Perhaps he’s…oh, I don’t know - Mephistopheles!

STIDHAM: Murray Farris?

MISSKELLEY: Uh -

Aha, Murray Farris just might fit the description. Cult leader - check. Name starts with “M” - check. Wore a mustache and beard - check.

STIDHAM: Do you know who Murray Farris is?

MISSKELLEY: Huh-uh. (Negatively indicating) I hadn’t never saw - I hadn’t ever heard that name.

Damn! The mystery continues. According to Jessie, Damien did Mr. Nōnàmé’s bidding. When Nōnàmé told Damien to do something, such as kill a dog or hurt a kid, by God Damien did it.

MISSKELLEY: No, he told Damien what to do - he always told Damien what to do.

STIDHAM: What did he tell Damien to do?

MISSKELLEY: He tells Damien, you know, go kill a dog, or - hurt a kid or something, and he’d do it.

Is Lil J’s hand still on that Bible? This sounds like horseshit. Damien strikes me as a guy who does nobody’s bidding but his own - unless, of course, that nobody happens to be - SATAN!

The Bible confession has its share of howlers. To wit:

STIDHAM: Who was carrying the beer?

MISSKELLEY: Damien.

STIDHAM: And he was carrying a stick in one hand and the beer in the other?

MISSKELLEY: Well, it was Jason. (inaudible)

STIDHAM: The beer?

MISSKELLEY: Uh-huh.

Wow, that beer sure changed hands quickly. First it was in Damien’s hand. Then - presto chango! - it was in Jason’s. I wonder how many beers they drank before the boys arrived. Didn’t they toss the cans away? Apparently not. The WM3 might be murderers, but at least they’re not litterers. No doubt after beating, raping, murdering, hogtying, and submerging the boys, they did the right thing by picking up and recycling their empty beer cans.

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STIDHAM: Did Damien and Jason get in the water?

MISSKELLEY: No.

STIDHAM: Damien and Jason get in the water?

MISSKELLEY: Yeah. Damien.

Damien and Jason didn’t get in the water…but Damien did. In the first confession both of them got in the water and took turns giving each other underwater blowjobs. One wonders: Did Damien give himself an underwater blowjob?

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STIDHAM: Let’s start from the point where you guys were walking on this trail off of the service road by Blue Beacon, what happens?

MISSKELLEY: What do you mean?

STIDHAM: I want you to tell me where ya’ll walked to and what you did. I don’t want to ask you whether you did this or this. I want you to tell me what happened?

MISSKELLEY: I still don’t understand.

Jessie’s asked “what happened?” and he says he doesn’t understand the question. What’s not to understand? Is Jessie incapable of telling the story without leading questions?

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STIDHAM: What was the boy wearing that you went and got and brought back?

MISSKELLEY: Uh - to my knowledge, I’m going to say, the one - I don’t know their names, you know, to my knowledge, the one that was wearing, uh, like a boy scout uniform. I don’t know, you know, that’s to my knowledge. That’s what one of them was wearing, I don’t know which boy.

Say what? Is it so hard to say “he was wearing a boy scout uniform” without sputtering and stammering incoherently? And, uh, I don’t know, but, I’m going to say, ah, to my knowledge…didn’t Jessie specifically identify the boy as Michael Moore in the first confession?

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STIDHAM: Okay, let’s start at right now, let’s go from, ya’ll are sitting there by this pipe drinking?

MISSKELLEY: Uh-huh. (Affirmatively indicating)

STIDHAM: Then what happened?

MISSKELLEY: We hear some noise, me and Jason hid and Damien just sit there, and we hollered for Damien, you know - not real loud, but lightly, and Damien hid. Then that’s when them three little boys came out.

They hollered. Not loudly, mind you, but lightly. They, ahem, lightly hollered. In other words, they whispered - the opposite of hollering.

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STIDHAM: Well, what happened after everybody started hitting on the kids?

MISSKELLEY: Um, uh, Damien choked - I don’t remember which one.

STIDHAM: Now you know, you heard during the trial that the medical examiner said none of the boys were choked.

MISSKELLEY: He didn’t choke him - “choke choked.” Just, you know, just say like just hold their head and choked, not hard enough, just holding him.

In Lil J’s world, hollering isn’t really hollering and choking isn’t really choking. He didn’t choke choke him, he just kinda, ya know, choked him, but not in a hard way. By the way, what happened to the “big old stick” he used to choke the boy to death in the first confession?

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STIDHAM: How deep was the water that the boys got thrown into?

MISSKELLEY: I’m going to say deep, real deep.

STIDHAM: Over their heads - over your head?

MISSKELLEY: Yeah.

This statement would be absurd were Jessie not roughly the size of a hobbit.

Jessie also seems mighty confused about the topography of the woods and the surrounding area:

STIDHAM: Make an X where the dog track was.

MISSKELLEY: Dog track?

STIDHAM: Uh-huh. ‘Cause I’m going to write Boys Blue Beacon beside it. Now tell me where the Dog Track is?

MISSKELLEY: The Dog Track?

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STIDHAM: Okay. Now where does the interstate run?

MISSKELLEY: Interstate?

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STIDHAM: Where did you put a bridge at?

MISSKELLEY: The bridge?

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STIDHAM: Draw me the creek now.

MISSKELLEY: Creek?

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STIDHAM: Where’s this 76 Truck Stop?

MISSKELLEY: 76?

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STIDHAM: Okay, are there smaller pipes beside the bigger pipe?

MISSKELLEY: Uh - to my knowledge I don’t really know.

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STIDHAM: There’s the X. Now tell me where Blue Beacon is from that X.

MISSKELLEY: From that X?

STIDHAM: Okay. Make an “X,” a green “X” for me.

MISSKELLEY: Make a X?

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STIDHAM: Okay. You said over there in (inaudible)?

MISSKELLEY: I’m not too good with my - my -

STIDHAM: I’m going to make a X right here.

MISSKELLEY: I’m not too good with my - whatever you call it.

Great news! Stidham and Misskelley have taken their comedy routine on the road. For tickets to the duo’s next show, in which by popular demand they’ll perform their classic routine “Where does the X go?”, please call 1-800-CON-FESS.

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Still, the Bible confession contains the single most incriminating detail in all of Jessie’s confessions. Jessie says he was drinking Evan Williams whiskey on the evening of the murders and smashed the bottle under an overpass on his way home. Sure enough, Stidham and the prosecutors looked for and found just such a whiskey bottle under an overpass in the area, which seems to corroborate his story with actual physical evidence. Hold on a minute while I don my supporter hat. I see two possibilities: 1) Jessie made up the story about the whiskey bottle, and the fact that one was found under an overpass in the vicinity of the crime scene was a coincidence. If you drive under enough overpasses in the area chances are good you’ll find one, 2) Jessie indeed smashed a bottle under the overpass, but did so at another time and knew it would be there. Now let me doff the hat. Neither explanation is particularly compelling, so unless a supporter can come up with a better one, I’m placing the Evan Williams whiskey bottle on the “guilty” side of the ledger. By no means does this prove Jessie was involved in the murders. But it is…interesting.

On February 17, 1994, in defiance of the advice of his counsel, Jessie gave his final documented confession, twice stating that he was going ahead with the statement because “I want something done about it.” With Damien and Jason’s trial looming, Jessie was being pulled in two conflicting directions: prosecutors were dangling the possibility of a reduced sentence in front of him in exchange for testifying against Damien and Jason, while his defense lawyers were claiming new evidence could win him a new trial if he’d just stop confessing for a minute and start proclaiming his innocence instead. At the same time, Jessie’s father, affectionately known as Big Jessie or Big J or J Biggie, was urging Lil Jessie to listen to his lawyers. (If nothing else, it may be said of Lil J that he loves his Big Daddy J.) In the end, Jessie opted not to testify, recanted his confession(s), and has maintained his innocence to this day (though unsubstantiated rumors circulated in Arkansas for years about confessions to prison counselors). Apparently, he didn’t “want something done about it” quite badly enough.

So, why didn’t Jessie testify? Is he really innocent? Did Stidham coerce him into recanting? Did Jessie decide not to betray his partners in crime? Did Big Jessie threaten to ground him if he did? Was Lil Jessie simply too petrified to take the stand? Who knows, but I suspect he weighed the pros and cons of testifying and ended up doing what he thought was to his advantage. If so, I wonder why Damien and Jason still defend him. Why don’t they denounce him? After all, he not only (falsely?) implicated them in the first place, he probably would have thrown them under the bus had he thought it in his best interest to do so. Were I Damien, guilty or not, I’d kick his ass, if not sacrifice him to the Prince of Darkness.

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The following is an imaginary whispered conversation between Lil J and Damien “spawn of Satan” Echols during a photo shoot:

Damien (whispering): Hey dumbass, so how many times have you confessed now?

Jessie (whispering): To my knowledge, I’m gonna say I gone and done confessed ‘bout 100 times. And then I left.

Damien: Confess again and I’ll make you my next sacrificial offering to the Evil One. Understand, knucklehead?

Jessie: Yes, Master Damien.

Damien: So, shit for brains, why did you confess to the cops that first time?

Jessie: I just said what they wanted me to say. I told them I wasn’t there but they wouldn’t listen. They just kept on hollering at me and egging it on, saying I was there, but I wasn’t. After they kept egging it on, I figured in my head, well, they ain’t gonna stop until I say what they want to hear, so I finally said, okay, I was there and I done it, but I wasn’t and I didn’t.

Damien: Why did you confess to Stidham before your trial? Did your defense attorney coerce you into confessing too, dimwit?

Jessie:  To my knowledge, I don’t know. He raised his voice real loud. Then he hollered at me. Then he egged it on. Then I stood up and balled my fist. Then I left. To my knowledge.

Damien: Were you trying to get a plea deal, dumbbell?

Jessie: I don’t deal with no pleas. I tell about what I know. And I don’t tell about what I don’t know.  If I don’t know nothing, I don’t tell nothing. If I don’t know something, I don’t tell something. If I know nothing, I don’t tell something. If I know something, I don’t tell nothing. To my knowledge, that’s what I’m gonna say.

Damien: Later on, did Stidham coerce you into recanting, nitwit?

Jessie: I just said what he wanted me to say. I told him we was there, and we done it, but he wouldn’t listen. He just kept on hollering at me and egging it on, saying I wasn’t there, but I was.  After he kept egging it on, I figured in my head, well, he ain’t gonna stop until I say what he wants to hear, so I finally said, okay, I wasn’t there and I didn’t do it, but I was and I did.

Damien: Shhh! Keep your damn voice down, muttonhead! You just confessed again, numbskull!

Jessie: We didn’t have nothing to do with it. We don’t know nothing about it. We didn’t do nothing to those boys. We never committed no murder. We ain’t never been to no Robin Hood Hills. I didn’t chase down no boy. And I didn’t bring no boy back to you. And you didn’t kill nobody I didn’t bring back neither.

Damien: Shut the fuck up, you imbecile!

Jessie: Hollering people make me mad. Better not egg it on. I’ll pull a ball bat and I’ll pull a knife and I’ll pull a gun on you if you holler at me and egg it on and make me mad.

Damien: So nincompoop, why did you confess to the deputies transporting you to prison?

Jessie: To my knowledge, I didn’t say nothing to no deputies. Them deputies was lying ‘cause they don’t like me, ‘cause my name is Jessie Misskelley just like my Big Daddy. They don’t like Big Jessie and they don’t like Little Jessie neither. They was trying to send me up the river like they done to my Big Daddy.

Damien: Hey blockhead, you had just been convicted. They weren’t trying to send you up the river, they were taking you up the river.

Jessie: They said I confessed to what we done, but I didn’t say nothing about what we didn’t do, ‘cause I never talk to no deputies who say I done something when I didn’t do nothing.

Damien: Why did you confess to Stidham with your hand on the Bible, you ignoramus? You can’t deny that.

Jessie: I don’t deny nothing. I don’t deny nothing but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Nobody never told me to put my hand on no Bible and swear to God to tell the truth about nothing, the whole nothing, and nothing but the truth about nothing. Or something. To my knowledge. The truth is, I don’t know nothing about nothing or nobody no more. And then I left.

Damien: Why did you confess to the prosecutors, against the advice of your counsel? Were you going to testify against me and Jason in exchange for a reduced sentence? Why didn’t you go through with it?

Jessie: The bottom line is this, my friend: I once was a pawn of the State, a cog in the wheels of injustice, a hapless victim caught in the labyrinthine mechanisms of an endemically corrupt system, a tragic figure trapped in a Kafkaesque nightmare from which there was no escape. Then I left.

2012 NOFF AWARD Winners

Here are the winners of the 6th Annual Noff Awards! Too busy/lazy to write comments this year.

I’ve seen the following 131 eligible films:

Amour
Anna Karenina
Arbitrage
Argo
Avengers, The
Barbara
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Bernie
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The
Bestiaire
Beyond the Black Rainbow
Brave
Cabin in the Woods, The
Central Park Five, The
Chronicle
Cloud Atlas
Comedy, The
Compliance
Cosmopolis
Damsels in Distress
Dark Horse
Dark Knight Rises, The
Day He Arrives, The
Deep Blue Sea, The
Detention
Devil’s Carnival
Dictator, The
Django Unchained
Dredd
Elena
End of Watch
5 Broken Cameras
Flat, The
Flight
Forgiveness of Blood, The
4:44 Last Day on Earth
Frankenweenie
Girl Walk // All Day
God Bless America
Goodbye First Love
Goon
Grey, The
Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai
Haywire
Headshot
Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The
How to Survive a Plague
Hotel Transylvania
Hunger Games, The
Impossible, The
Imposter, The
Invisible War, The
It’s Such a Beautiful Day
Jack Reacher
Jeff, Who Lives at Home
John Carter
Keep the Lights On
Keyhole
Kid with a Bike, The
Killer Joe
Killing Them Softly
Kill List
King Kelly
Klown
Lawless
Les Misérables
Let the Bullets Fly
Life of Pi
Life Without Principle
Lincoln
Loneliest Planet, The
Looper
Lorax, The
Loved Ones, The
Lovely Molly
Machete Maidens Unleashed!
Magic Mike
Man with the Iron Fists, The
Marley
Master, The
Michael
Miss Bala
Monsieur Lazhar
Moonrise Kingdom
Once Upon a Time in Anatolia
Oslo, August 31st
Pact, The
Paperboy, The
Paranormal
Pirates! Band of Misfits, The
Pitch Perfect
Polisse
Possession, The
Prometheus
Queen of Versailles, The
Raid: Redemption, The
Rise of the Guardians
Ruby Sparks
Rust and Bone
Safety Not Guaranteed
Samsara
Savages
Secret World of Arrietty, The
Searching for Sugar Man
Sessions, The
Seven Psychopaths
Side by Side
Silver Linings Playbook
Sinister
Skyfall
Sleepless Night
Sleep Tight
Sleepwalk With Me
Snowtown Murders, The
Sound of My Voice
Take This Waltz
Ted
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
To Rome with Love
Turin Horse, The
Turn Me On, Dammit!
21 Jump Street
V/H/S
We Are Legion: The Story of the Hacktivists
West of Memphis
Whore’s Glory
Woman in Black, The
Wreck-It Ralph
Your Sister’s Sister
Zero Dark Thirty

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST PICTURE

mv5bmtk1ntc3ndc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnjywndk0oa_v1_sx214_1.jpg

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

comedy-poster-sundance-21.jpg

cabin_in_the_woods_poster_a_p1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

Amour

Beyond the Black Rainbow

The Comedy

The Cabin in the Woods

Holy Motors

 

 

theimposter1.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

4da7f7aad6973808029c5e64f617f88d1.jpg

The Imposter

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

Killing Them Softly

The Master

Seven Psychopaths

And the Noffscar goes to: Holy Motors

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST DIRECTOR

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

Paul Thomas Anderson for The Master

Leos Carax for Holy Motors

Panos Cosmatos for Beyond the Black Rainbow

Andrew Dominik for Killing Them Softly

Don Hertzfeldt for It’s Such a Beautiful Day

And the Noffscar goes to: Leos Carax for Holy Motors

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ACTOR

bernie-poster1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

comedy-poster-sundance-21.jpg

lincoln-poster1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

Jack Black in Bernie

Denis Lavant in Holy Motors

Tim Heidecker in The Comedy

Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln

Joaquin Phoenix in The Master

And the Noffscar goes to: Denis Lavant in Holy Motors

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ACTRESS

damsels_in_distress_ver21.jpg

mv5bmja3mdq0nduxml5bml5banbnxkftztcwmzu4ntq1nw_v1_sy317_cr00214317_1.jpg

7333_lovely_molly_delivery_poster_93c4dab31551.jpg

mv5bmtk1ntc3ndc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnjywndk0oa_v1_sx214_1.jpg

6rvt9nb2w5odn1jmrklrhivwdpj1.jpg

Greta Gerwig in Damsels in Distress

Louisa Krause in King Kelly

Gretchen Lodge in Lovely Molly

Emmanuelle Riva in Amour

Rachel Weisz in The Deep Blue Sea

And the Noffscar goes to: Rachel Weisz in The Deep Blue Sea

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

19910741.jpg

l_1726669_4937d1d81.jpg

41q2t6l1brl_sl500_aa300_1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

django-unchained-poster-waltz1.jpg

Daniel Henshall in The Snowtown Murders

Matthew McConaughey in Killer Joe

Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike

Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master

Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained

And the Noffscar goes to: Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

compliance-ann-dowd1.jpg

reg_634annels101212_copy1.jpg

wreck-it-ralph-poster091.jpg

l_1726669_4937d1d81.jpg

Amy Adams in The Master

Ann Dowd in Compliance

Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables

Sarah Silverman in Wreck-It Ralph

Juno Temple in Killer Joe

And the Noffscar goes to: Amy Adams in The Master

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SCREENPLAY

cabin_in_the_woods_poster_a_p1.jpg

damsels_in_distress_ver21.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

4da7f7aad6973808029c5e64f617f88d1.jpg

The Cabin in the Woods

Damsels in Distress

 

Holy Motors

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

Seven Psychopaths

And the Noffscar goes to: Seven Psychopaths

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST EDITING

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

theimposter1.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

kill-list-poster-artwork-neil-maskell-myanna-buring-harry-simpson1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

Holy Motors

The Imposter

Killing Them Softly

Kill List

The Master

And the Noffscar goes to: Holy Motors

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

6rvt9nb2w5odn1jmrklrhivwdpj1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

moonrise-kingdom-poster-21.jpg

skyfall-promotional-poster1.jpg

20442161.jpg

The Deep Blue Sea

The Master

Moonrise Kingdom

Skyfall

The Turin Horse

And the Noffscar goes to: Skyfall

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SCORE

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

moonrise-kingdom-poster-21.jpg

ruby-sparks-poster1.jpg

20442161.jpg

Beyond the Black Rainbow

Listen

The Master

Listen

Moonrise Kingdom

Listen

Ruby Sparks

Listen

Listen

Listen

The Turin Horse

Listen

And the Noffscar goes to: Ruby Sparks

Honorable Mentions:

Anna Karenina - Listen

Cloud Atlas - Listen

Compliance - Listen

Frankenweenie - Listen

Killer Joe - Listen

Kill List - Listen

The Snowtown Murders - Listen Listen

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ART DIRECTION/SET DESIGN

anna-karenina-poster1.jpg

cloudatlas-onesht1.jpg

lincoln-poster1.jpg

moonrise-kingdom-poster-21.jpg

skyfall-promotional-poster1.jpg

Anna Karenina

Cloud Atlas

Lincoln

Moonrise Kingdom

Skyfall

And the Noffscar goes to: Anna Karenina

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SOUND

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

the-grey-poster1.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

kill-list-poster-artwork-neil-maskell-myanna-buring-harry-simpson1.jpg

19910741.jpg

Beyond the Black Rainbow

The Grey

Killing Them Softly

Kill List

The Snowtown Murders

And the Noffscar goes to: Kill List

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

mv5bmtk1ntc3ndc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnjywndk0oa_v1_sx214_1.jpg

elena1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

6338529398_cbc27a5d65_z1.jpg

the-raid-redemption-unrated-poster-artwork-iko-uwais-joe-taslim-doni-alamsyah_small1.jpg

Amour

Elena

Holy Motors

Oslo, August 31st

The Raid: Redemption

And the Noffscar goes to: Holy Motors

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST DOCUMENTARY

mov_2dba43be_b1.jpg

how_to_survive_a_plague_poster1.jpg

theimposter1.jpg

searching-for-sugar-man-poster-21.jpg

20255791.jpg

Bestiaire

How to Survive a Plague

The Imposter

Searching for Sugar Man

Whore’s Glory

And the Noffscar goes to: The Imposter

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

220px-frankenweenie_2012_film_poster1.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

wreck-it-ralph-21.jpg

 

 

Frankenweenie

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

Wreck-It Ralph

 

 

And the Noffscar goes to: It’s Such a Beautiful Day

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

devils-carnival-poster-21.jpg

django-unchained-poster-waltz1.jpg

django-unchained-poster-waltz1.jpg

220px-frankenweenie_2012_film_poster1.jpg

skyfall-promotional-poster1.jpg

“Prick! Goes the Scorpion’s Tail” by Emilie Autumn from The Devil’s Carnival

Listen

“Ancora Qui” by Ennio Morricone and Elisa Toffoli from Django Unchained

Listen

“Who Did That to You” by John Legend from Django Unchained

Listen

“Strange Love” by Karen O from Frankenweenie

Listen

“Skyfall” by Adele from Skyfall

Listen

And the Noffscar goes to: “Ancora Qui” from Django Unchained

Honorable mentions:

“Grace for Sale “ by Terrance Zdunich from The Devil’s Carnival - Listen

“The Misty Mountains Song” from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (singing only version) - Listen

“Sambola!” from Damsels in Distress - Listen

“Who Were We” – Holy Motors - Listen


movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

cloudatlas-onesht1.jpg

cabin_in_the_woods_poster_a_p1.jpg

mpw-779441.jpg

the-dark-knight-rises-christian-bale-poster11.jpg

prometheus_poster_large1.jpg

Cloud Atlas

 

The Cabin in the Woods

Flight

The Dark Knight Rises

Prometheus

And the Noffscar goes to: Cloud Atlas

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SCENES

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

6rvt9nb2w5odn1jmrklrhivwdpj1.jpg

django-unchained-poster-waltz1.jpg

django-unchained-poster-waltz1.jpg

publicworks-girl-walk1.jpg

Beyond the Black Rainbow:

Sentionauts

Watch

The Deep Blue Sea:

“Molly Malone”

Watch

Django Unchained:

KKK comedy of errors

Watch

Django Unchained:

DiCaprio’s phrenology monologue

Watch

Girl Walk // All Day:

Dance and the world dances with you

Watch

 

 

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

Holy Motors:

Entracte:

Watch

Holy Motors:

Merde:

Watch

It’s Such a Beautiful Day:

Ending: Bill lives on…

Killing Them Softly:

Card game robbery:

Killing Them Softly:

Killing Liotta softly

Watch

 
 

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

skyfall-promotional-poster1.jpg

take_this_waltz_ver31.jpg

ted_poster1.jpg

20442161.jpg

The Master:

Freddy’s informal processing

Skyfall:

Shanghai highrise - fighting silhouettes

Watch

Take This Waltz:

“Video Killed the Radio Star”

Watch

Ted:

Wahlberg vs. teddy bear

Watch

The Turin Horse:Opening sceneWatch
And the Noffscar goes to: Merde from Holy Motors

Honorable mentions:

Bernie - Opening - watch

The Cabin in the Woods - Monster Mash - watch

The Comedy - Tim humiliates male nurse - watch

The Comedy - Taxi hip-hop - watch

The Grey – Comforting the dying - watch

The Grey - Neeson to God: “Fuck it, I’ll do it myself”

Holy Motors - Motion capture fucking - watch

Killer Joe - Chicken drumstick BJ - watch

The Master – Master vs. Skeptic

Les Miserables - Hathaway’s rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream (the film’s one good scene) - watch

Moonrise Kingdom - End credits - “The Heroic Weather Conditions; part 7 : After the Storm” - watch

Pitch Perfect - Kendrick’s audition - the “Cup Song” - watch

The Raid: Redemption - Mad Dog’s two on one fight - watch

Seven Psychopaths - Cemetery shootout - watch

2012 NOFF AWARD NOMINATIONS

Here are the nominations for the 6th Annual Noff Awards! Winners will be announced this weekend.

I’ve seen the following 131 eligible films:

Amour
Anna Karenina
Arbitrage
Argo
Avengers, The
Barbara
Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part 1
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Bernie
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The
Bestiaire
Beyond the Black Rainbow
Brave
Cabin in the Woods, The
Central Park Five, The
Chronicle
Cloud Atlas
Comedy, The
Compliance
Cosmopolis
Damsels in Distress
Dark Horse
Dark Knight Rises, The
Day He Arrives, The
Deep Blue Sea, The
Detention
Devil’s Carnival
Dictator, The
Django Unchained
Dredd
Elena
End of Watch
5 Broken Cameras
Flat, The
Flight
Forgiveness of Blood, The
4:44 Last Day on Earth
Frankenweenie
Girl Walk // All Day
God Bless America
Goodbye First Love
Goon
Grey, The
Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai
Haywire
Headshot
Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The
How to Survive a Plague
Hotel Transylvania
Hunger Games, The
Impossible, The
Imposter, The
Invisible War, The
It’s Such a Beautiful Day
Jack Reacher
Jeff, Who Lives at Home
John Carter
Keep the Lights On
Keyhole
Kid with a Bike, The
Killer Joe
Killing Them Softly
Kill List
King Kelly
Klown
Lawless
Les Misérables
Let the Bullets Fly
Life of Pi
Life Without Principle
Lincoln
Loneliest Planet, The
Looper
Lorax, The
Loved Ones, The
Lovely Molly
Machete Maidens Unleashed!
Magic Mike
Man with the Iron Fists, The
Marley
Master, The
Michael
Miss Bala
Monsieur Lazhar
Moonrise Kingdom
Once Upon a Time in Anatolia
Oslo, August 31st
Pact, The
Paperboy, The
Paranormal
Pirates! Band of Misfits, The
Pitch Perfect
Polisse
Possession, The
Prometheus
Queen of Versailles, The
Raid: Redemption, The
Rise of the Guardians
Ruby Sparks
Rust and Bone
Safety Not Guaranteed
Samsara
Savages
Secret World of Arrietty, The
Searching for Sugar Man
Sessions, The
Seven Psychopaths
Side by Side
Silver Linings Playbook
Sinister
Skyfall
Sleepless Night
Sleep Tight
Sleepwalk With Me
Snowtown Murders, The
Sound of My Voice
Take This Waltz
Ted
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
To Rome with Love
Turin Horse, The
Turn Me On, Dammit!
21 Jump Street
V/H/S
We Are Legion: The Story of the Hacktivists
West of Memphis
Whore’s Glory
Woman in Black, The
Wreck-It Ralph
Your Sister’s Sister
Zero Dark Thirty

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST PICTURE

mv5bmtk1ntc3ndc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnjywndk0oa_v1_sx214_1.jpg

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

comedy-poster-sundance-21.jpg

cabin_in_the_woods_poster_a_p1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

Amour

Beyond the Black Rainbow

The Comedy

The Cabin in the Woods

Holy Motors

 

theimposter1.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

4da7f7aad6973808029c5e64f617f88d1.jpg

The Imposter

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

Killing Them Softly

The Master

Seven Psychopaths

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST DIRECTOR

 the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

 beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

 5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

Paul Thomas Anderson for The Master

Leos Carax for Holy Motors

Panos Cosmatos for Beyond the Black Rainbow

Andrew Dominik for Killing Them Softly

Don Hertzfeldt for It’s Such a Beautiful Day

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ACTOR

bernie-poster1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

comedy-poster-sundance-21.jpg

lincoln-poster1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

Jack Black in Bernie

Denis Lavant in Holy Motors

Tim Heidecker in The Comedy

Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln

Joaquin Phoenix in The Master

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ACTRESS

damsels_in_distress_ver21.jpg

mv5bmja3mdq0nduxml5bml5banbnxkftztcwmzu4ntq1nw_v1_sy317_cr00214317_1.jpg

7333_lovely_molly_delivery_poster_93c4dab31551.jpg

mv5bmtk1ntc3ndc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnjywndk0oa_v1_sx214_1.jpg

6rvt9nb2w5odn1jmrklrhivwdpj1.jpg

Greta Gerwig in Damsels in Distress

Louisa Krause in King Kelly

Gretchen Lodge in Lovely Molly

Emmanuelle Riva in Amour

Rachel Weisz in The Deep Blue Sea

And the Noffscar goes to: 

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

19910741.jpg

l_1726669_4937d1d81.jpg

41q2t6l1brl_sl500_aa300_1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

django-unchained-poster-waltz1.jpg

Daniel Henshall in The Snowtown Murders

Matthew McConaughey in Killer Joe

Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike

Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master

Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained

And the Noffscar goes to: 

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

compliance-ann-dowd1.jpg

reg_634annels101212_copy1.jpg

wreck-it-ralph-poster091.jpg

l_1726669_4937d1d81.jpg

Amy Adams in The Master

Ann Dowd in Compliance

Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables

Sarah Silverman in Wreck-It Ralph

Juno Temple in Killer Joe

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SCREENPLAY

cabin_in_the_woods_poster_a_p1.jpg

damsels_in_distress_ver21.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

don-2201-206x3001.jpg

4da7f7aad6973808029c5e64f617f88d1.jpg

The Cabin in the Woods

Damsels in Distress

 

Holy Motors

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

Seven Psychopaths

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST EDITING

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

theimposter1.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

kill-list-poster-artwork-neil-maskell-myanna-buring-harry-simpson1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

Holy Motors

The Imposter

Killing Them Softly

Kill List

The Master

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

6rvt9nb2w5odn1jmrklrhivwdpj1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

moonrise-kingdom-poster-21.jpg

skyfall-promotional-poster1.jpg

20442161.jpg

The Deep Blue Sea

The Master

Moonrise Kingdom

Skyfall

The Turin Horse

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SCORE

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

the_master_turkish_poster_color_high__span1.jpg

moonrise-kingdom-poster-21.jpg

ruby-sparks-poster1.jpg

20442161.jpg

Beyond the Black Rainbow

Listen

The Master

Listen

Moonrise Kingdom

Listen

Ruby Sparks

Listen

Listen

Listen

The Turin Horse

Listen

And the Noffscar goes to: 

Honorable Mentions:

Anna Karenina - Listen

Cloud Atlas - Listen

Compliance - Listen

Frankenweenie - Listen

Killer Joe - Listen

Kill List - Listen

The Snowtown Murders -  Listen Listen

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST ART DIRECTION/SET DESIGN

anna-karenina-poster1.jpg

cloudatlas-onesht1.jpg

lincoln-poster1.jpg

moonrise-kingdom-poster-21.jpg

skyfall-promotional-poster1.jpg

Anna Karenina

Cloud Atlas

Lincoln

Moonrise Kingdom

Skyfall

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST SOUND

beyond_the_black_rainbow1.jpg

the-grey-poster1.jpg

5208_poster-of-killing-them-softly1.jpg

kill-list-poster-artwork-neil-maskell-myanna-buring-harry-simpson1.jpg

19910741.jpg

Beyond the Black Rainbow

The Grey

Killing Them Softly

Kill List

The Snowtown Murders

And the Noffscar goes to: 

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

mv5bmtk1ntc3ndc4mf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnjywndk0oa_v1_sx214_1.jpg

elena1.jpg

holy-motors-poster11.jpg

6338529398_cbc27a5d65_z1.jpg

the-raid-redemption-unrated-poster-artwork-iko-uwais-joe-taslim-doni-alamsyah_small1.jpg

Amour

Elena

Holy Motors

Oslo, August 31st

The Raid: Redemption

And the Noffscar goes to:

movie-clapper-realistic1.png

BEST DOCUMENTARY

mov_2dba43be_b1.jpg

 how_to_survive_a_plague_poster1.jpg

theimposter1.jpg

searching-for-sugar-man-poster-21.jpg

20255791.jpg

Bestiaire

How to Survive a Plague

The Imposter

Searching for Sugar Man

Whore’s Glory

And the Noffscar goes to:

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BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

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Frankenweenie

It’s Such a Beautiful Day

Wreck-It Ralph

 

 

And the Noffscar goes to:

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BEST ORIGINAL SONG

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“Prick! Goes the Scorpion’s Tail” by Emilie Autumn from The Devil’s Carnival

Listen

“Ancora Qui” by Ennio Morricone and Elisa Toffoli from Django Unchained

Listen

“Who Did That to You” by John Legend from Django Unchained

Listen

“Strange Love” by Karen O from Frankenweenie

Listen

“Skyfall” by Adele from Skyfall

Listen

And the Noffscar goes to:

Honorable mentions:

“Grace for Sale “ by Terrance Zdunich from The Devil’s Carnival - Listen

“The Misty Mountains Song” from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (singing only version) - Listen

“Sambola!” from Damsels in Distress - Listen

“Who Were We” – Holy Motors - Listen


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BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

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Cloud Atlas

 

The Cabin in the Woods

Flight

The Dark Knight Rises

Prometheus

And the Noffscar goes to:

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BEST SCENES

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Beyond the Black Rainbow:

 Sentionauts

Watch

The Deep Blue Sea:

 “Molly Malone”

Watch

Django Unchained:

KKK comedy of errors

Watch  

Django Unchained:

DiCaprio’s phrenology monologue

Watch

Girl Walk // All Day:

Dance and the world dances with you

Watch

 

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Holy Motors:

Entracte:

Watch

Holy Motors:

Merde:

Watch

It’s Such a Beautiful Day:

Ending: Bill lives on…

Killing Them Softly:

Card game robbery:

Killing Them Softly:

Killing Liotta softly

Watch 

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The Master:

Freddy’s informal processing

Skyfall:

Shanghai highrise - fighting silhouettes

Watch

Take This Waltz:

 “Video Killed the Radio Star”

Watch 

Ted:

Wahlberg vs. teddy bear  

Watch

The Turin Horse:Opening sceneWatch 
And the Noffscar goes to: 

Honorable mentions:

Bernie - Opening - watch

The Cabin in the Woods - Monster Mash - watch

The Comedy - Tim humiliates male nurse - watch

The Comedy - Taxi hip-hop - watch

The Grey – Comforting the dying - watch

The Grey - Neeson to God: “Fuck it, I’ll do it myself”

Holy Motors - Motion capture sex - watch

Killer Joe - Chicken drumstick BJ - watch

The Master – Master vs. Skeptic

Les Miserables - Hathaway’s rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream (the film’s one good scene) - watch

Moonrise Kingdom - End credits - “The Heroic Weather Conditions; part 7 : After the Storm” - watch

Pitch Perfect - Kendrick’s audition - the “Cup Song” - watch

The Raid: Redemption - Mad Dog’s two on one fight - watch

Seven Psychopaths - Cemetery shootout - watch

Re-Ranking the Sight & Sound Top 100

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The results of last year’s Sight & Sound poll shook the film community to its sedentary core. Cinephiles everywhere could be heard shouting from the rooftops their recliners - Oh my God! Jesus Christ! Holy shit! Citizen Kane, officially the “greatest film of all time” for 5 decades, had been dethroned by Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo! What strange new world were we living in? This tidal shift in critical consensus (Citizen Kane plummeted all the way to #2) inspired cinephiles to rise en masse from their recliners…then sit back down and take to Twitter. I too took to Twitter, with the aim of shattering the legitimacy of the poll in 140 characters. Alas, I recently deactivated my Twitter account and don’t remember what I said, but trust me, it was devastating. Happily, I remember the gist of the tweet, which I’ll get to in a moment.

First, let me say that I have nothing against Vertigo, per se. I have no ax to grind with it. It’s a fine film - the second best of 1958, behind Welles’ best film, Touch of Evil. No, my issue is with the poll itself, with the very idea of determining which films are the greatest ever made through a collection of personal top ten lists, as though a consensus of subjective opinion somehow held more objective weight than an individual opinion (for the record, it doesn’t). It wouldn’t make any difference even if all the critics in the world regarded Vertigo as the best film ever made. Even then, Vertigo wouldn’t actually be the best film ever made - it would merely enjoy unanimity of subjective opinion as such among film critics.

Of course, in reality Vertigo enjoys no such universal preeminence. Not even close. And that’s what my devastating tweet was about. Only 191 out of the 846 participants polled voted for Vertigo, which means that 77.5% of critics worldwide didn’t even put it on their top ten lists, let alone at the number one position. Yes, Vertigo received more votes than any other film, but a whopping 655 participants did not vote for it. In short, according to most critics Vertigo is not the “greatest film of all time.” (Of course, this goes for every other film ever made as well.) This is so obvious it wouldn’t even be worth pointing out were it not for the fact that so many self-important critics take the list very seriously indeed. Ten years from now we’ll do it all over again. Will Vertigo retain its title as the greatest film of all time or will it drop precipitously to number 2? Will Citizen Kane reclaim the throne or will it languish at number 2 for another decade? Wake me up in ten years.

Shortly after tweeting my qualms about the Sight & Sound poll I received an invitation from Iain Stott at 100 Evenings Illuminated to participate in a film poll of his own intended as a response to the Sight & Sound poll. Stott noticed that Vertigo appeared on only 191 of 846 ballots and wondered “just what did the other 655 people think of it? Would it have made their top 20s, 50s, 100s? Did they-and indeed do they-even admire it at all? This poll seeks to address that question; or, at least, to go some way towards doing so.”

The idea was for participants to re-rank the top 100 films from the Sight & Sound poll in preferential order and see how things shook out. How different would the list look? Would Citizen Kane remain dethroned? Would Vertigo still be number one? Where would Touki-Bouki end up? Sure, the poll promised to be every bit as arbitrary and meaningless as the Sight & Sound poll, but so what? I’d be in it. For some unfathomable reason I wasn’t invited to participate in the Sight & Sound poll (perhaps it had something to do with my not being a professional critic, who knows?), so to rectify that grievous oversight I jumped at the chance to participate in this one. Now my opinion, the one true opinion, would be heard.

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So here, then, is my re-ranking, i.e. the one true re-ranking, of the Sight & Sound top 100:

1.  Once Upon a Time in the West

2.  The Third Man

3.  Chinatown

4.  2001: A Space Odyssey

5. Taxi Driver

6. Sherlock Jr.

7. The Godfather: Part II

8. Psycho

9. The Godfather

10. North by Northwest

11. Touch of Evil

12. Mulholland Dr.

13. Blue Velvet

14. Citizen Kane

15. M

16. Rear Window

17. The Passion of Joan of Arc

18. Blade Runner

19. The General

20. Singin’ in the Rain

21. Man with a Movie Camera

22. Sunset Blvd.

23. Tokyo Story

24. Vertigo

25. Raging Bull

26. Persona

27. Rio Bravo

28. The Battle of Algiers

29. The Night of the Hunter

30. Seven Samurai

31. Apocalypse Now

32. Breathless

33. Casablanca

34. Some Like It Hot

35. Close-Up

36. Greed

37. The Magnificent Ambersons

38. In the Mood for Love

39. Modern Times

40. Aguirre: The Wrath of God

41. La Grande Illusion

42. The Wild Bunch

43. The 400 Blows

44. Bicycle Thieves

45. Un Chien Andalou

46. Nashville

47. Pierrot le Fou

48. La Jetée

49. Late Spring

50. City Lights

51. The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp

52. Pickpocket

53. Rules of the Game

54. Sansho the Baliff

55. A Man Escaped

56. L’Atalante

57. A Matter of Life and Death

58. The Spirit of the Beehive

59. Pather Panchali

60. Touki-Bouki

61. Wild Strawberries

62. The Seventh Seal

63. Metropolis

64. Fanny & Alexander

65. Battleship Potemkin

66. Lawrence of Arabia

67. Play Time

68. Intolerance

69. The Searchers

70. L’Eclisse

71. L’Avventura

72. Shoah

73. Ugetsu Monogatari

74. 8½

75. Les Enfants du Paradis

76. Madame de…

77. Au Hasard Balthazar

78. Le Mépris

79. Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce 1080 Bruxelles

80. The Leopard

81. Barry Lyndon

82. Rashomon

83. Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans

84. La Dolce Vita

85. Imitation of Life

86. Partie de Campagne

87. Stalker

88. A One and a Two

89. Beau Travail

90. Andrei Rublev

91. The Colour of Pomegranates

92. La Maman et la Putain

93. Journey to Italy

94. Gertrud

95. Mirror

96. Ordet

97. Sans Soleil

Unranked

A Brighter Summer Day

Histoire(s) du Cinéma

Sátántangó

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By the way, in case you’re curious, here are the results of Stott’s poll. Citizen Kane is back on top, with Vertigo at number 2. Take that Sight & Sound! It’s official: Citizen Kane remains the greatest film of all time. But, of course, that’s complete bullshit - Once Upon a Time in the West is. (See my re-ranking above.)

We were also asked to make an alternative list of 100 films we considered just as worthy of canonization. Here’s mine (in chronological order):

Our Hospitality (1923, Buster Keaton & John G. Blystone)

Seven Chances (1925, Buster Keaton)

Ménilmontant (1926, Dimitri Kirsanoff)

The Unknown (1927, Tod Browning)

The Skeleton Dance (1929, Walt Disney)

Vampyr (1932, Carl Theodor Dreyer)

Duck Soup (1933, Leo McCarey)

Blood Money (1933, Rowland Brown)

Footlight Parade (1933, Lloyd Bacon & Busby Berkeley)

It’s a Gift (1934, Norman Z. McLeod)

Bride of Frankenstein (1935, James Whale)

Swing Time (1936, George Stevens)

Pépé le Moko (1937, Julien Duvivier)

Make Way for Tomorrow (1937, Leo McCarey)

Bringing Up Baby (1938, Howard Hawks)

Porky in Wackyland (1938, Robert Clampett))

The Wizard of Oz (!939, Victor Fleming)

The Shop Around the Corner (1940, Ernst Lubitsch)

His Girl Friday (1940, Howard Hawks)

The Maltese Falcon (1941, John Huston)

Le Corbeau (1943, Henri-Georges Clouzot

Double Indemnity (1944, Billy Wilder)

The Suspect (1944, Robert Siodmak)

The Body Snatcher (1945, Robert Wise)

The Big Sleep (1946, Howard Hawks)

My Darling Clementine (1946, John Ford)

Northwest Hounded Police (1946, Tex Avery)

Quai des Orfèvres (1947, Henri-Georges Clouzot)

Oliver Twist (1948, David Lean)

Red River (1948, Howard Hawks)

Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949, Robert Hamer)

White Heat (1949, Raoul Walsh)

The Set-Up (1949, Robert Wise)

High Diving Hare (1949, Friz Freleng)

Gun Crazy (1950, Joseph H. Lewis)

Pickup on South Street (1953, Sam Fuller)

El (1953, Luis Buñuel)

The Naked Spur (1953, Anthony Mann)

A Star is Born (1954, George Cukor)

The Ladykillers  (1955, Alexander Mackendrick)

Smiles of a Summer Night (1955, Ingmar Bergman)

The Killing (1956, Stanley Kubrick)

Sweet Smell of Success (1957, Alexander Mackendrick)

Paths of Glory (1957, Stanley Kubrick)

12 Angry Men (1957, Sidney Lumet)

Fires on the Plains (1959, Kon Ichikawa)

Eyes Without a Face (1960, Georges Franju)

Shoot the Piano Player (1960, François Truffaut)

The Apartment (1960, Billy Wilder)

The Manchurian Candidate (1962, John Frankenheimer)

Harakiri (1962, Masaki Kobayashi)

The Innocents (1963, Jack Clayton)

Hud (1963, Martin Ritt)

Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964, Stanley Kubrick)

Woman in the Dunes (1964, Hiroshi Teshigahara)

Repulsion (1965, Roman Polanski)

For a Few Dollars More (1965, Sergio Leone)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966, Sergio Leone)

Bonnie and Clyde (1967, Arthur Penn)

The Graduate (1967, Mike Nichols)

Branded to Kill (1967, Seijun Suzuki)

Night of the Living Dead (1968, George Romero)

The Flat (1968, Jan Svankmajer)

Le Boucher (1970, Claude Chabrol)

A Touch of Zen (1971, King Hu)

McCabe and Mrs. Miller (1971, Robert Altman)

Duck, You Sucker (1971, Sergio Leone)

Badlands (1973, Terrence Malick)

The Long Goodbye (1973, Robert Altman)

Mean Streets (1973, Martin Scorsese)

American Graffiti (1973, George Lucas)

Jaws (1975, Steven Spielberg)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975, Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones)

Annie Hall (1975, Woody Allen)

Halloween (1978, John Carpenter)

Manhattan (1979, Woody Allen)

The Empire Strikes Back (1980, Irvin Kershner)

Modern Romance (1981, Albert Brooks)

Tango (1981, Zbigniew Rybczynski)

The Ballad of Narayama (1983, Shôhei Imamura)

A Christmas Story (1983, Bob Clark)

Once Upon a Time in America (1984, Sergio Leone)

This is Spinal Tap (1984, Rob Reiner)

Blood Simple (1984, Joel & Ethan Coen)

The Terminator (1984, James Cameron)

The Thin Blue Line (1988, Errol Morris)

Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989, Woody Allen)

GoodFellas (1990, Martin Scorsese)

Miller’s Crossing (1990, Joel & Ethan Coen)

Reservoir Dogs (1992, Quentin Tarantino)

The Wrong Trousers (1993, Nick Park)

Pulp Fiction (1994, Quentin Tarantino)

Bottle Rocket (1996, Wes Anderson)

Fargo (1996, Joel & Ethan Coen)

Happiness (1988, Todd Solondz)

Election (1999, Alexander Payne)

Spirited Away (2001, Hayao Miyazaki)

Before Sunset (2004, Richard Linklater)

No Country for Old Men (2007, Joel & Ethan Coen)

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007, Andrew Dominik)

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MY AMERICA - PART 7: TOMMY GUNS AND…COMEUPPANCES?

Recap: When last we left our hero he had just been triangulated by movie theater gadflies at a showing of Once Upon a Time in America. Will he swat them?
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I followed through on my deal with Sergio to re-watch his film and by the time midnight rolled around everything had changed: Once Upon a Time in America was now the greatest film ever made; the Ladd Company, which mutilated the masterpiece and released a bastardized version in the States, was the epitome of evil; and Sergio Leone was God, albeit a portly one with an unfulfilled hankering for spaghetti and meatballs.

I’d had a cinematic epiphany. My life’s purpose had been revealed to me. I was the chosen One and my mission was to spread The Word about Once Upon a Time in America to the ignorant masses. One way or another people were going to learn The Truth - first family and friends, then the world. It was five minutes to midnight, and as I lay in bed awaiting Sergio’s visitation, I formulated a plan of action:

  • Trivial mealtime “family talk” is over. No more meaningless “How was your day?” or “Did you look for a job?” bullshit. That’s out. From now on the only “conversation” at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not to mention snack times, will consist of my lectures on the ins and outs of Leone’s masterpiece, followed by a Q&A session.
  • I will not tolerate dissent - any family member who finds fault with this flawless work of art, or with my interpretation of it, will be unceremoniously disowned.
  • I will spread Once Upon a Time in America-themed graffiti far and wide.
  • I will drive around neighborhoods in the family convertible extolling the merits of Once Upon a Time in America through a megaphone.
  • I will distribute literature on, purchase advertising space for, and deliver speeches about The Masterpiece.
  • I will create a death list of film critics who panned the film. At the top of the list: Rex Reed.
  • I will issue an ultimatum to film critics around the world: put Once Upon a Time in America on your top ten list for the upcoming 1992 Sight & Sound poll or be added to my death list.
  • I will kidnap the editors of film magazines and threaten them with slow, agonizing deaths unless they devote an entire issue of their respective magazines to the greatness of Once Upon a Time in America.
  • I will force my True Love to watch the 4-hour film with me repeatedly, at which time she will be expected to sit quietly, pause the tape when I say so, take dictation of my running commentary, and, let me repeat, because this cannot be stressed strongly enough, sit quietly. Talking by anyone but me during this sacred time is strictly verboten, and violations will be dealt with swiftly and harshly, first through threatening looks and/or assertive shushes, then, if necessary, through punishing bitch slaps. I will drag her, kicking and screaming if need be, to libraries and bookstores on research excursions to help me find Once Upon a Time in America-related material, which she will obediently print out, sort through, and organize. Finally, it will be her womanly duty to comfort me on those long nights of the soul when I’m tossing and turning in bed cursing the Fates for taking Leone just before he made his WW2 masterpiece on the siege of Leningrad.
  • I will form a mob with my friends, with me as Godfather. First order of business: strong-arm video store owners into devoting significant floor and wall space to Once Upon a Time in America: posters, display cases, multiple VHS copies, etc.

Of course, to form a mob I’ll need Tommy guns. But wait, to afford Tommy guns I’d have to rob a bank. But to rob a bank I’d need Tommy guns. Damn catch-22s! Ah, but that’s all right, between Mom and Sergio I can scrounge up enough cash. Then it’ll be easy. Just go to a gun show and find a private, unlicensed seller - or, as they call themselves, “collectors.” So-called collectors aren’t legally obligated to run background checks, so just show them your license, if they even ask for it, and anything you want is yours, no questions asked.

Next I’ll assume a gangster persona, using the stylish 30s gangster as my model. First, the attire. Mom! I’m going shopping! Let’s see, I’ll need a black and white 4-button, double-breasted pinstriped suit with matching vest; a black shirt and white tie with a diamond pin; a silky hanky in the breast pocket; jazzy white spats over black shoes buffed to a spotless sheen; and, to complete the look, because no gangster worth his moll should be without one, a black snap-brimmed fedora.

Finally, and this should go without saying, I will adopt the dated lingo, nasal intonation, and clipped delivery of that famous 30s gangster, Edward G. Robinson. Why sure, who’s gonna stop me? Nobody, that’s who. There ain’t nobody tough enough, see.

Now equipped with a rat-a-tat-tatting Tommy gun, a snazzy wardrobe, and an Eddie G. sneer, I’ll really get down to business by bumping off my drug dealer and taking over his territory, which will accomplish several things at once: 1) bring in  a steady flow of cash, 2) get my pain in the ass, did-ya-get-a-job-yet Dad off my back, and, 3) provide easy access to more drugs than I could ever hope to smoke, snort, shoot, or swallow.

I can see it now…

Drug Dealer: No! I don’t want to die! Oh, please! I don’t want to die! Oh, please! Oh, please let me go! Please don’t kill me! Oh, don’t kill me, please!

Me: Shuddup, ya dirty, no-good, yellow-bellied rat! Ain’t nobody gonna peddle dope around these parts but me, see? Ya told me to get a job…well, I got one - yours!

But just as I was about to pump his skull full of lead…

…odorant molecules from hickory-smoked bacon sizzling in a skillet wafted out of the kitchen, up the stairs, down the hall, under my door, across my room, and into my nose, sending my ultra-sensitive smell receptors into a flurry of neuronal activity, which my olfactory bulb interpreted as the unmistakable aroma of Mom’s exquisite home cooking.

BREAKFAST!

I luxuriated for a moment in the bacony splendor. But before long my acute olfaction detected more aromatic goodies. Ooooh, is that what I think it is? I sniffed the air and caught whiff after whiff of another heavenly aroma wafting its way upstairs to greet my welcoming nose. I inhaled deeply, permeating my nasal cavity with its lovely fragrance. Ah yes. Now I was enveloped in velvety, cocoa-and-caramel-coated plumes of roasting coffee.

I leapt out of bed and tore downstairs, sniffing the air as I went, detecting delightful hints of eggs frying in pools of melted butter, hotcakes slathered in maple syrup, smoked cheddar sausage simmering in its own savory juices…

BREAKFAST!

It was going to be a big day, a big glorious day, what with my spreading the word about Once Upon a Time in America and all, and I’d need plenty of mouth-watering fuel to get me going.

So imagine my distress when I found the kitchen empty. Empty! What the hell? That’s when I heard them in the dining room. The dining room! Why were they eating in there? That room is supposed to be reserved for formal dining occasions, not fucking breakfast. More troubling still was that the room was abuzz with conversation; it sounded like Mom and Dad were holding a mini convention in there. Who the fuck was here?

A hush descended over the dining room when I walked in. There they were, all twelve of ‘em, sitting around our custom-made, hand-carved cedar and cypress dining table, giving me the evil eye. Dad, of course, sat at the head of the table. Sitting to his immediate right on the side of the table was Officer I’ve Got My Eyes On You, followed by Chip, Skippy, the hippie, the mother of the shattered little girl, and my girlfriend. Mom sat to Dad’s immediate left, followed by my brother, sister, baby sister, an ominously empty seat, which presumably was intended for the now-institutionalized little girl, and, finally, the girl I fucked at the drug store.

I moseyed nonchalantly over to the buffet table, casually loaded my plate with savory deliciousness, coolly poured myself a frosty glass of Valencia OJ and a piping hot cup of burr-grinded, hand-dripped Mocha-Java coffee, wordlessly sauntered over to the seat at the foot of the table, and glancelessly sat down…

…then stood up and walked out of the room, went upstairs to Mom and Dad’s room, got a pin out of Mom’s sewing kit, went back downstairs, returned to my seat at the table, and dropped the pin on the floor. Just as I suspected - you could hear it.

Soon the sounds of my cacophonous feeding frenzy reverberated throughout the room. With my utensils a-clinking and my crockery a-clanking, I chomped and champed, gnawed and gnashed, crunched and munched with blissful abandon, shoveling mouthful after delicious mouthful of breakfasty goodness into my churning jaws. All that deliciousity had to be washed down, of course, so in between mouthfuls I slurped coffee, guzzled water, and quaffed OJ with unbridled gusto, accentuating the glug-glug-glug sound of the liquids flowing down my throat, and capping it all off with a satisfied “ahhhhhh.” Had to have fruit too. Ah! A banana. Perfect. I slowly unpeeled it, removed the strings, took a hearty bite, and started chewing with exaggerated smacking noises, squishing and squashing the fruit into a gooey mush. No doubt I was the recipient of twelve disapproving stares, but I wouldn’t let that deter me from my joyous feast. Fuck ‘em. Behold a gluttonous man!

Finally, Dad spoke up.

Dad: Let us pray.

The true believers crossed themselves, reverently put their hands together, and piously bowed their heads in prayer, while I smacked my lips, picked my teeth, licked bacon grease and maple syrup off my fingers, blew my nose into a napkin, unleashed a room-rattling eructation, and continued to engorge myself.

Dad: Bless us, O Lord…

CHOMP

Dad: …and these, Thy gifts…

SLURP

Dad: …which we are about to receive from Thy Bounty…

CRUNCH

Dad: …Through Christ, our Lord…

GLUG

Dad: Amen

BELCH

They blessed themselves and looked at me with contempt. Fuck ‘em again. My noisy mastication carried as much meaning as their futile prayer to a nonexistent god. Man, what a tedious bunch. But at least they furnished the opportunity to test out my 30s gangster persona. First, I’ll Cagney-fy my girlfriend.

Me: Ain’t you got a drink in the house?

Girlfriend: At breakfast?

Me: I didn’t ask you for any lip. I asked you if you had a drink.

Girlfriend: I know, but I wish that…

Me: Don’t give me no wishin’ stuff. I wish you was a wishing well, so that I could tie a bucket to ya and sink ya.

Girlfriend: Well, maybe you’ve found someone you like better.

I looked for the grapefruit. No grapefruit. Where was the grapefruit? We had other citrus fruits - oranges, clementines, tangerines. But no grapefruit! I needed grapefruit!

Me: Ma! Where’s the grapefruit?

Mom: We don’t have any, dear. We have oranges.

Me: Fuck oranges! Don’t you get it? It has to be grapefruit.

Mom: Sorry, honey, I’ll get some tomorrow.

Me: Fuck tomorrow! I need it now. Ahhhhh! Forget it…the scene is ruined.

Girlfriend: I’ve got grapefruit.

She pulled grapefruit from her purse…

Girlfriend: Want some?

…then shoved it in my face and twisted it around.

I got Cagney’d.

To stop the laughter, Dad pounded the salt shaker on the table like a gavel.

Dad: Order in the dining room!

I got…Cagney’d.

Dad: Son, we’re gathered here today for one reason: to judge you.

Pfft

Dad: And so without further ado I’ll hand it over to Officer He’s Got His Eyes On You, who’ll review the list…nay…the catalog of immoral, unconscionable, and downright criminal behavior of which you stand accused.

Copper: Thank you. Let’s begin with last night’s shenanigans.

Me: Listen, copper, if it’s trouble you’re lookin’ for, why, that’s what I got the most of, see? Why sure, I got a surplus of trouble, enough for the lot of ya. Get me?

Copper: It began in the parking lot of a hardware store, where you’d just bought duct tape, presumably to bring to the movie theater in case anyone needed shutting up. Apparently, a gun wasn’t enough.

Me: Ah, where’d ja learn to talk this monkey jabber? Get to the point, copper, or I’ll slap ya right in the kisser, see.

Copper: Anyway, according to eyewitness testimony a man in a wheelchair confronted you for parking in a handicapped space.

Cripple: That’s a handicapped space. Who do you think you are?

Me: I am he who parks in handicapped spaces.

Cripple: But you’re not handicapped!

Me: One need not be handicapped to park in handicapped spaces.

Cripple: What? Only handicapped people can park in handicapped spaces!

Me: And yet I, a non-handicapped person, just parked, as if by magic, in a handicapped space.

Cripple: You shouldn’t park in a handicapped space!

Me: Why?

Cripple: Because you’re not handicapped!

Me: Yes, I’m not handicapped, but why shouldn’t I park here anyway?

Cripple: Because it’s not right to make people with limited mobility park further away than able-bodied people!

Me: Why is that not right? I value my own convenience over accommodating the parking privileges of cripples. Nothing wrong with that.

Cripple: It’s just common decency!

Me: Why should I treat others with decency if doing so inconveniences me?

Cripple: Fuck off, you selfish asshole! You can’t park here! It’s the law!

Me: Yes, it is the law, but why should I comply with the law?

Cripple: If for no other reason, because you’ll get a ticket!

Me: But the convenience of parking here outweighs, for me, the potential cost of a parking ticket, so why shouldn’t I park here?

Cripple: You just shouldn’t - it’s the law!

Me: Is/ought fallacy. Also, circular.

Cripple: That’s it! I’m calling the police!

Me: No…no you’re not.

Copper: That’s when you duct taped his mouth shut, taped his flailing arms to the armrests, and, “cackling like Richard Widmark in Fear of Death,” pushed his wheelchair toward the exit, launching him out of the parking lot and into oncoming traffic, which caused a massive multi-car pile-up.

Dad: And the man?

Copper: Let’s just say that…before the man met your son…he was a mere paraplegic.

Me: Yeah, what of it, copper? I’m gonna remove those defective fucks from the gene pool, that’s what I’m gonna do. Why sure, and ain’t nobody gonna stop me, see.

I hope Dad bought off this oinker.

Copper: Your night of terror continued inside the movie theater. The man who sat in front of you suffers from a medical condition called macrocephaly, which is characterized by an abnormally large head. Witnesses say you mercilessly taunted him with big head jokes, like, “the wrecking ball company called - they want your head back.”

Dad: You think that’s funny?

Me: Well…kinda.

Dad: Yeah, you’re a regular Cyrano de fuckin’ Bergerac.

Copper: After the man refused to move, you proceeded to “chop his head down to size” by cutting off his “unruly shock of hair” with a pair of tiny scissors, then duck taped said hair over his eyes and led him, at gunpoint, to the corner of the theater, where you told him to sit quietly or else, and I quote, “I’ll plug your megalocephalous head with lead, see? Why sure, that’s what I’ll do, you dirty, no-good lusus naturae.”

Me: Why, he had it comin’, copper. Ain’t nobody with megacephaly sits in front of me and gets away with it, see?

Copper: Next you turned your attention to the “lardaceous fuck” two seats to your right, who had the audacity…

Me: Lardacity

Copper: …to eat popcorn…

Me: To englut popcorn like swine at the trough

Copper: …at a movie. Witnesses say you stared at the man until he looked in your direction, then engaged him in “conversation.”

Me: Good popcorn?

Popcorn Man: Ah, yes…

Me: May I have some?

Popcorn Man: Um, get your own.

Me: But I want yours. It must be especially tasty to inspire such a spectacular display of slobsmanship.

Popcorn Man: Fuck off.

Me: Where do you get the unmitigated adiposity to talk to me like that?

Copper: That’s when you stuffed fistfuls of popcorn down his throat, duck taped his mouth shut, and plugged his ears and nostrils with popcorn.

Me: That’s right copper. I popcorned him. I popcorned him but good. Yeah, that’s what I did.

Copper: As for the “teeny-bopping bubble-blowing giglet” sitting to your left, well, I’m not even gonna mention where you stuffed her bubblegum.

Me: Aw, whatsa matta copper? Ya scared? Lost your noive? Listen, you’re gonna say what I done, that’s what you’re gonna do, and like it, see?

Dad, whose face now resembled an inflamed pimple about to pop, which usually indicated he was kinda mad at me, pounded the salt gavel on the table, then held up a roll of duct tape and screamed:

Dad: SHUT UP WITH THAT GODDAM “COPPER” AND “SEE” TALK OR I’LL DUCT TAPE YOUR MOUTH SHUT, SEE? WHY SURE, THAT’S WHAT I’LL DO!

Why, I outta…?

Dad: We brought you up better than this, mister. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Me: I do unto others as others get done unto by me. I do the unto’ing. There are two types of people in the world: those who do unto others and those who get done unto. Others get done unto.

Chip pointed a gun at me.

Chip: There are two kinds of people in the world: those with loaded guns and those who shut up. You shut up.

Then Skippy, yes little fucking Skippy, index-fingered a shush at me. At me! First I get Cagney’d. Now I get Chip’d and Skippy’d. Am I getting my comeuppance? Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of me?

Dad: Now, you’re going to sit there and shut up until Officer He’s Got His Eyes On You finishes listing your catalog of offenses.

And so the copper continued his monkey jabbering.

Copper: We also accuse you of reckless driving; driving under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and magic mushrooms; public intoxication; public nudity; public indecency; having sex in public; having sex with underage girls, i.e. statutory rape; contributing to the delinquency of minors; shoplifting; drugging your parents with stolen sleeping pills; assaulting your brother, totaling his car, threatening to cut off his mullet - his mullet! - and blackmailing him to keep his mouth shut; calling your older sister a cunt and a twat , threatening to cut off her gargantuan hairdo, and warning her to keep her mouth shut; frightening your baby sister by telling her that she has no soul, and that there’s no God, heaven, or Santa Claus, but that the Boogeyman is real and that there’s nothing wrong with raping and murdering small children; putting a porno movie in the children’s section of a video store; stuffing two dollars down a peaceful hippie’s throat and disrespecting his kindly soul; making a young boy change his name from Skippy to Barnaby and then threatening to rip out his vocal chords; inflicting grievous bodily harm on a wannabe-but-isn’t-and-never-will-be alpha male named Chip; carrying a firearm without a license; threatening numerous people with said firearm; providing false information to a law enforcement officer; mentally reciting a blasphemous version of Our Father; living by the maxim that whatever you want is good and whatever gets in the way of what you want is bad; not caring about starving children; holding up traffic while chastising a haughty duck; claiming there’s nothing wrong with slaughtering 6 million Jews; jaywalking; and contemplating ax murdering your parents.

Mom: Oh, but he’s really a good boy.

Me: Thanks, Ma!

Hippie: Right on, ma’am. I know he has good in him, man. The cat just needs to control his D & T’s.

Baby Sister stuck her tongue out at me.

Dad: Oh, and by the way - both girls sitting next to you are pregnant with your baby.

Me: What’s that got to do with the price of eggs? ← line from Little Caesar

Dad: Quite a lot, actually, since it was you who inseminated the eggs. That makes you responsible for them.

Me: Fine, I’ll assume responsibility…for getting them aborted.

My girlfriend and the girl I fucked at the drug store spoke up in perfect unison.

Girlfriend + Other Girl I Fucked: We have absolute sovereignty over our own bodies and we choose to have the babies. You have no say in the matter.

Me: Very well then, I relinquish any and all responsibility for the little critters. I wash my hands of them.

Girlfriend + Other Girl I Fucked: Oh, so I suppose you played no part in the pregnancy? Sorry, but you are as responsible for these babies as we are.

Me: Sorry, but if you two have absolute sovereignty over your bodies now, when you’re pregnant, then you also had absolute sovereignty over your bodies when you were getting pregnant, when, that is, you let me squirt 6 million of my sperm into your absolutely sovereign bodies. You can’t have it both ways. If you’re excluding me from the decision whether or not to have an abortion, then, to remain consistent, you must also exclude me from the responsibility for the pregnancy.

Girlfriend + Other Girl I Fucked: Bullshit! You’re partly responsible!

Me: My position follows necessarily from the claim that you have absolute sovereignty over your own body. You freely chose to risk getting pregnant. If you wish to hold me responsible for the pregnancy, then you must accord me some say in the matter of the outcome of the pregnancy. It’s a matter of symmetry.

Girlfriend + Other Girl I Fucked: Symmetry smymmetry!

Me: It’s not as if I raped you. You freely let me fuck your absolutely sovereign bodies. Therefore, the responsibility for the entire pregnancy rests with you…absolutely. This isn’t my fault.

Girlfriend + Other Girl I Fucked: Oh, so it’s all our fault! Unless a woman is raped it’s the woman’s fault! And the father is absent and blameless!

Me: You’re saying that your body is your own, but that when you allowed me to impregnate that body suddenly you’re only partly responsible. If you’re going to hold me responsible for what happens inside your bodies then you must also concede to me some rights with regard to the fetus of which I am as much a parent as you. I say abort!

My logic was airtight, of course, but that didn’t matter to these emotional creatures.

Girlfriend + Other Girl I Fucked: You sexist jerk! You should be neutered!

Dad: Look mister, at the risk of sounding asymmetrical, these girls are having these babies, your babies, and you will do right by them.

Mom: Honey, you are partly responsible for these babies.

Me: But Mom! That’s not fair!

Brother: Ha! Listen to the nihilist now.

Dad: I don’t know and I don’t care if we’re being inconsistent or unfair or asymmetrical or whatever, but listen to me and listen good boy, you are going to take responsibility for those children.

Me: Am not.

Dad: Are to.

Damn! Dad brought out the “are to.” That’s it, when Dad lays down the “are to” all is lost, further argument is futile, it’s over.

Looks like my comeuppance is complete.

Suddenly a rotund glowing orb appeared and hovered over the table. It slowly began to change shape, first transforming into a swirling funnel-shaped mist, then taking on the distinct form of the upper torso of a human body - a torso with a Buddha-like paunch, which gave away who it was even before his bearded and bespectacled visage came clearly into focus.

Me: Hi, Sergio

Sergio: Sveglia!

Me: Huh?

Sergio: Wake up-a! Wake up-a!

Sergio had arrived for his midnight visitation. Ha! Comeuppance, smomeuppance!

Me: Oh man, am I glad to see you. Listen, I saw Once Upon a Time in America tonight…

Sergio: Never mind dat. You must-a come with-a me. I take-a you to Heem.

Me: Heem who?

Sergio: Da Almighty God, dat’s-a who.

To be continued…

Once Upon a Time in My America - Part 6: Movie Theater Gadflies

I hate going to the movies. I hate going to the movies for one reason: people. I hate people. I hate people for many reasons. But the main reason I hate people is that they go to the movies. I hate people who go to the movies. I hate people who go to the movies for one reason: they annoy the fuck out of me. I hate people who go to the movies and annoy the fuck out of me. The people who go to the movies and annoy the fuck out of me the most are children. I hate children. I hate children for many reasons. But the main reason I hate children is that they go to the movies and annoy the most fuck out of me.

Case in point: At some Disney movie, possibly The Little Mermaid, I had the misfortune of sitting near some insufferable little boy, perhaps five or six, who thought it appropriate to emit a nonstop stream of nonsensical remarks and shrill giggles while frenziedly chomping popcorn, like some socially unacceptable machine specially designed to grate on me. His mother repeatedly shushed him, but to no avail - the inconsiderate little jerk just kept spewing jibber and spouting jabber in complete disregard for my demand for absolute silence. No way was I going to let some obnoxious, ill-mannered kid spoil my fun. Since the infernal little shit showed no signs of stifling himself, I’d just have to stifle the infernal little shit myself - and when his mother went off to refill the little glutton’s giant tub of popcorn, I did just that.

Me: Hi son, what’s your name?

Boy: Skippy

Me: Nice to meet you, Barnaby.

Boy: My name’s Skip…

I put my index finger to my lips and shushed him.

Me: Your name’s Barnaby. What’s your name, boy? Say it.

Boy: Barnaby

Me: Would you like to hear a story, Barnaby?

Boy: Sure, mister.

I shushed him again.

Me: Don’t talk, just nod. Okay, Barnaby?

He nodded.

Me: Once upon a time a little boy went to the movies with his mom. The little boy was overexcited and kept laughing and talking throughout the movie. His mom kept shushing the boy, but he went right on talking anyway. Then his mom warned him that the boogeyman in the back row didn’t like it when little boys talked during movies. But the disobedient little boy didn’t heed her warning. Instead, he kept on talking, until, finally, the back row boogeyman had had enough of the boy and proceeded to rip out his tongue and vocal chords. The little boy tried to call out to his mom for help, but she couldn’t hear him, because, ya know, he no longer had vocal chords. Sadly, the little boy was never heard from again. The end.

The little boy stared at me in confusion.

Me: Do you know what that little boy’s name was, Barnaby?

He nodded, no.

Me: Barnaby. Do you understand the moral of the story, Barnaby?

He nodded, no.

Me: You’re the little boy. Your mom’s the mom. And I’m the boogeyman. Get it?

He nodded, no.

Me: Then let me spell it out for you. Maybe you don’t know what “shush” means. It means shut your goddam mouth you shitty mother-fucking little asshole. It means, if I hear another goddam fucking peep out of you I’ll rip out your fucking goddam tongue and vocal chords with my bare hands. Okay, Barnaby? Am I speaking your language now?

He started to say yes but I index-fingered a shush.

Me: Just shut the fuck up and nod.

He nodded, yes.

Me: Good boy. Don’t forget, not another peep.

And not another peep was heard.

That kid was such a jerk. I hate kids. But I lied before when I said that children annoy me more than anyone else at the movies. There’s one species of “human” that annoys me even more than children. But only one.

My detestation of blither-blathering, chitter-chattering, jibber-jabbering, giggle-gurgling, burble-babbling children is exceeded only by my detestation of wannabe-but-aren’t-and-never-will-be alpha males, like the two-bit high school punk wearing a Gold’s Gym tank top, designer Ray-Bans, and clip-clopping flip-flops who strutted and swaggered his way into my theater with his toffee-nosed 15-year-old girlfriend and decided it would be a good idea to sit directly behind me even though the rest of the theater was empty.

I figured it would take 5 seconds for this douche to bump my chair with his flip-flops…

…1,2,3,4,5…

…and sure enough, there it was, the bump, arriving with tiresome predictability, right on cue.

I turned around and looked at him, knowing he’d stand up and snarl “What are you lookin’ at?”

Guy (standing up, snarling): What are you lookin’ at?

I stood up and inspected him closely.

Me: Well, that there’s a good question, junior. Just what am I lookin’ at?”

I turned to his girlfriend.

Me: Miss, maybe you can shed some light on this perplexing question. I saw about ten of these whatchamacallits on the way here. Just what the hell are they?

Guy: I’m gonna kick your ass, you fuckin’ pussy!

Ignoring the enraged whatsit, I continued to address his girlfriend.

Me: These thingamabobs all look, sound, dress, talk, and walk exactly alike. Are you sure you came in with the right one?

Guy: That’s it, you’re dead.

I figured it would take this thingamawhatchamabobamacallit 3 seconds to jump over my chair and punch me in the face…

1,2…

…which is why I pulled out my dad’s .357 Magnum in two seconds and stuck it in his face.

…3

Me: Sit.

He sat. In my chair. Then I sat in his chair, directly behind him, next to his girlfriend.

Now the shoe was on the other foot…or, to be more precise, now the flip-flop was on the other foot…or, to be even more precise, now the ass was in the other chair.

(By the way, I purposely neglected to mention that Dad is a gun collector, because I wanted to show, with all due respect to Mr. Chekov, that a gun not introduced in the first act should be fired in a later act, unless of course one plans to use it as a red herring, in which case it should not be fired.)

Me: Oh, look honey, there’s one person in the theater, let’s sit behind him and kick his chair, shall we?

I leaned back in my chair as far as I could, brought my knees up to my chest, thrust myself forward, and kicked the back of his chair with as much force as I could muster, propelling him headfirst into the chair in front of him and then face first onto the theater floor.

Me: Don’t just lie there. Stand up and sit down.

Guy: What?

Me: Stand up and sit down.

Guy: Do you want me to stand up or sit down?

Me: No, I don’t want you to stand up or sit down. I want you to stand up and sit down.

Guy: How can I stand up and sit down?

Me: I’ll show you.

I jumped into his aisle and yanked him up into a standing position.

Me: Now you’re standing up…

I punched him in the gut, kneed him in the face, and shoved him back in the chair.

Me: Now you’re sitting down.

I jumped back to my seat, leaned all the way back, brought my knees up to my chest, thrust myself forward and kicked his chair again, propelling him headfirst into the chair and onto the floor for a second time.

Me: I thought I told you to stand up and sit down.

He wobbled to his feet, stood unsteadily for a few seconds, then collapsed into his chair.

Me: Don’t sit right in front of me! You’re blocking my view.

Knees back. Thrust. Kick. Propel. Splat.

Me: Stand up…move over…and sit down.

He stood up, moved over one seat, and sat down.

Me: Not that way! Now you’re sitting in front of your girlfriend.

His girlfriend leaned back in her chair, brought her knees up to her chest, thrust herself forward and kicked his chair as hard as she could, propelling him yet again into the chair and onto the ground.

Girlfriend: That’s a blast!

Me: Ain’t it, though?

And that’s how my girlfriend and I met cute and fell in love.

From the moment our eyes locked, I knew. I knew that she, an enchantress with soulful eyes and jiggly tits, a kindhearted smile and a shapely ass, an angelic voice and a vice-like snatch, was my Soul Mate, my True Love, my One and Only. I knew that our love, forged out of our mutual antipathy for the semi-conscious whatchamacallit writhing convulsively at our feet, was sacred and eternal, a divine force that had transported us to a higher plane of existence. I knew that our souls had fused everlastingly into a sacred whole, just as surely as I knew that her lubricious body had aroused the pythonic hard-on in my underwear. Above all, I knew that there’s never been a romantic couple whose love - not the redemptive, forgiving love of Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester, not the noble, self-sacrificial love of Rick and Ilsa, not even the star-crossed, happy-daggered love of Romeo and Juliet - could match the awe-inspiring beauty of our undying love. I knew all this intuitively, with all my heart and soul. All this I knew even before she consummated our blessed union with a spiritually transcendent hummer and rim-job.

But make no mistake, despite falling in love at the movies, I still hate going to the movies. I still hate going to the movies for one reason: I hate my True Love. I hate my True Love because she annoys the fuck out of me, not only at the movies but everywhere else too. Turns out our love wasn’t so eternal after all. More like 3 days.

What, you didn’t think I’d fall for that little trick Mother Nature was trying to pull, did you? You know the one, right?

You’re hitting it off with some pulchritudinous devotchka…

…when suddenly…

…SHAZAM!

…Mother Nature, prestidigitator extraordinaire, materializes out of nowhere and sprinkles a bit of magical oxytocin on the emotional centers of your brain…

…and suddenly…

…PRESTO-CHANGO!

…you’re bewitched, enchanted, under the spell of amore, swept into the euphoric whirlwind of True Love, walking on air with a spring in your step and a song in your heart, tricked into believing that the two of you share a transcendentally sublime, all-consuming, never-ending bond, when in fact it’s nothing more than a short-lived chemical illusion conjured up by Mother Nature to generate procreative behavior intended to preserve the survival of the species.

But before long the spell wanes, and then…

POOF!

…disappears.

Suddenly your rampaging libido returns with an unholy vengeance, driving you to fuck anything that moves, but by then it’s too late, because now you’re stuck with your One and Only, having made a titanic commitment signed in blood and semen. Somewhere offstage Mother Nature is giggling. This is where our culture comes in. The upright and uptight guardians of public morality pick up from where Mother Nature left off, using religion or whatever else is at their disposal to poeticize and romanticize love, to purify and sanctify sex, in an effort to induce us to conform to the monogamic norm.

It is true, the common man, the well-harnessed chap who believes unquestioningly in the rightness of monogamy, who aspires above all to be a good family man, who denies his private desires for the sake of civilized society, readily falls for the trick. But the superior man sees through the nonsense. The superior man does not hide his libido beneath the repressive cloak of monogamy. Nay, he disseminates his seed far and wide. The superior man does not deodorize his carnality with the perfume of amore. Nay, he partakes of sex in its raw, unadulterated form. The superior man does not resolve to have sex with only one woman, always and forever, for that is as foolish as resolving to eat only one food, say pizza, always and forever. Nay, the superior man feasts at the table of womankind - sampling the delectable delicacies, inhaling the sweet aromas, savoring every mouth-watering morsel to the fullest, and satiating his ravenous sexual appetite, while the underfed, undernourished monogamist contents himself with indigestible leftovers for the rest of his pitiful life.

But hold on, the movie’s about to start and I have some unfinished business with that whatchamajigamacallit.

Me: Hey junior, go fetch us some popcorn.

Guy: Get it yourself.

I cocked my Dad’s gun.

Me: There are two types of people in the world, my friend: those with loaded guns and those who fetch popcorn. You fetch popcorn.

He fetched my popcorn.

After the film I walked my too-young-to-drive girlfriend to the parking lot, where her father was waiting to pick her up. He was standing by the passenger side door as we approached, and though he wasn’t wearing his usual swinish regalia, I recognized him immediately: it was Officer I’ve Got My Eyes On You, who was beaming with fatherly pride until he saw who was walking arm in arm with his precious daughter.

Me: Greetings and Salutations, Officer Sir! How’s it hanging’?

The sheer wrongness and bewildering incongruity of the sight before him caused his face to slacken and take on the hue of an embalmed corpse, his mouth to drop and hang agape, his eyes to widen and stare at us unblinkingly, uncomprehendingly, while his violated psyche tried in vain to make sense of what his eyes were so clearly telling him.

Me: You’ve got a totally bodacious daughter, Officer Sir!

He tried to speak, but all that came out was a distressed sigh, which had feebly risen up from the depths of his crushed and dying soul.

Girlfriend: Daddy, what’s wrong?

His mouth opened, then snapped shut, repeatedly. His eyelids fluttered uncontrollably. Muscles throughout his face and body twitched involuntarily. He had flop sweat. He shat himself. He pissed down his leg. He gulped and heaved and coughed and burped and farted and wheezed, then started hyperventilating.

Girlfriend: Oh my God, I think he’s having a stroke!

With a great force of will he leaned against the hood of the car, steadying himself on trembling legs, and managed, finally, to gain a semblance of control over his body. He then tried to exert his authority and issue a command, but now it was his turn to jumble his syntax. He wanted to say, “Get away from him,” but…

Copper: Away him from get.

Ah yes, revenge is best served by debauching your enemy’s daughter.

Copper: Him get from away.

His daughter looked at me, perplexed. I shrugged, feigning confusion.

Copper: From away get him

Girlfriend: Daddy, what are trying to say?

Copper: Get him away from.

Girlfriend: Get him away from what? Say it slowly, Daddy.

Copper: Get…

Girlfriend: Yes, go on.

Copper: …away…

Girlfriend: Get away. Go on.

Copper: …from…

Girlfriend: Get away from…what?

Uh-oh.

Copper: …HIM! HIM! HIM! Get away from HIM! Get away from HIM! For the love of God and all that’s holy, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!

Girlfriend: But Daddy, he’s my boyfriend. I love him.

Copper: Wait, let me get this straight, young lady. I drop you off here with …whatisname? Skippy?

Girlfriend: Chip.

Copper: Right, Chip. You walk in with Chip and walk out with…HIM! What happened to Chip? I thought Chip was your boyfriend.

Girlfriend: We broke up.

Just then Chip limped past us, whimpering and mumbling incoherently, with two black eyes, a broken nose, a fat lip, a blood-splattered Gold’s Gym shirt, cracked and crooked Ray-Bans, and one forlornly clip-clopping flip-flop left on his feet.

Me: There but for the grace of God go I.

Copper: What happened to Chip?

Me: Well, you see, Officer Sir, Chip is a degenerate. He was sexually harassing and disrespecting your pure and innocent daughter, and so I gallantly stepped in to defend her honor.

Daughter: That’s right, Daddy. He’s my knight in shining armor.

Me: Ah, shucks. It was nothing. Chip tried to intimidate me, but he’s just a poseur. I’m afraid his pumped-up biceps are to whachamacallits as oversized claws are to fiddler crabs - an absurd attempt to scare off rival males and win females. Alas, it didn’t work out for poor old Chip.

As I caressed his beloved daughter’s ass, I assured him that, unlike Chip, my intentions toward her were strictly honorable.

Me: I assure you that my intentions toward your beloved daughter are strictly honorable.

I just hope he doesn’t get a whiff of my jism on her breath.

Copper: Young lady, get in the car!

She did as she was told, then rolled down the window to kiss me goodbye. I made sure the oinker knew tongues were involved.

Me: Look at it this way, Officer Sir, you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son. So cheer up…Dad.

Officer I’ve Got My Eyes On You, being a straight-shootin’, plainspoken son-of-a-gun who never minces words and always says what he means and means what he says, bellowed at me at the top of his lungs and in no uncertain terms…

Copper: From away stay daughter my!

Me: Whatever you say, Pops.

I waved merrily as he peeled away, then fired up a bowl and drove home.

“Scusi…scusi…”

Me: Yes, Sergio, what is it?

Sergio: Are yous-a gonna talk about-a C’era una volta in America?

Me: What did I tell you about interrupting me when I’m working? Huh?

Sergio: Mi dispiace, I’m-a so sorry, please-a forgeeve me, almig…

Me: Silence! Go now! Finish your cloud work or something.

Never mind him. Let’s get back to the subject at hand, shall we?

The movies, it is true, began as a communal activity, when the wretched huddled masses flocked to theaters around the turn of the century to escape their gloomy, overcrowded, inadequately ventilated, foul-smelling and tubercular tenement homes, but unless you’re a critic, one of the lowest life forms on the planet, there’s little reason why we still have to “go to the movies” today. Why tolerate inconsiderate loud-mouths, seat-kicking punks, bubble-gum snapping teenyboppers, popcorn-chomping good-for-nothings, wrapper-crinkling cretins, insufferable chillun’, or any other godforsaken movie theater nuisance when you can now watch movies in the comfort and security of your own home without hassle or distraction? (By 2012 I’ll have a home theater system comparable in visual/sound quality to any movie theater.)

Nevertheless, as distasteful as it is, sometimes circumstances conspire to make “going to the movies” unavoidable, forcing you to suffer the indignity of being near the riffraff, such as when I had to get up and trudge off to see Once Upon a Time in America in 1989. (Happy now, Sergio?) As it happens, or at least as it happens in contrived stories, a local movie theater was showing Once Upon a Time in America on the evening of the very day I made my agreement with Sergio to re-watch it. By this time my hatred of going to the movies was very nearly complete, but what choice did I really have? It was either that or spike my parents’ drinks again; I chose the former, the slightly lesser of two hassles.

The film started at 7 pm, which was perfect, for it allowed me to watch the 4-hour film and return home in time for Sergio’s midnight visitation. So I pocketed Mom’s money, loaded Dad’s Magnum, packed my pipe, and sped off to the movies in my brother’s Firebird. As had become my custom by then, I sat in the middle seat of the last row, so as to avoid seat-kicking douchebags sitting behind me. But imagine my disgust when, as I sat there minding my own business, a morbidly obese slob shoveling fistfuls of popcorn into his cavernous mouth sat two seats to my right, a bubble-blowing, chit-chatting giglet sat two seats to my left, and a giant-headed pituitary case with a shock of unruly hair sat directly in front of me. I was triangulated by movie theater gadflies.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MY AMERICA - PART 5: TRIPPING AND DRIVING

There once was a happy and peaceful people called the Diminutivites
Singing and dancing, laughing and romancing they spent their days and nights
They lived in harmony with nature and worked for the common good
Theirs was a message of fellowship and universal brotherhood
They tore down every barrier, every fence, and every wall
And practiced tolerance, compassion, and equality for all
No need they had for law enforcement, government, or legislature
for only love and kindness inhered in their benevolent nature
Life, liberty, and happiness they took as their unalienable rights
They were a good people, these happy and peaceful Diminutivites

But beware! Look out! Here come the bloodthirsty Temujinites
They’re on the march, their sights set on the poor Diminutivites
To these cruel and murderous savages only might makes right
So out they set with axes, spears and swords to hack, stab and smite
They had not a chance, the Diminutivites, so peace-loving and naïve
Oh! how the merciless Temujinites made them wail, suffer and bleed
Throats were slit and skulls were split
Limbs were chopped and heads were lopped
Could this wholesale slaughter not be stopped?
Guts were strewn and blood was spilled
until every last man, woman, and child were killed
Gone now are the Diminutivites, stripped of their unalienable rights
by those fierce and lethal homunculi called the Temujinites

Who shall inherit the Earth? Surely not the meek
The strong shall plant their heel on the bleating weak

Let it here be said that genocide is neither good nor bad
that moral rules are neither etched in stone nor ironclad
For those who believe the Holocaust was wrong I’ve got news
It is not wrong, it is not bad, to slaughter 6 million Jews
Hear again what I say, then consider yourself disabused
It is not wrong, it is not bad, to slaughter 6 million Jews
The Nazi’s disgust you, you’d like to see them suffer and rot
But from your disgust you may infer a moral imperative not
Hitler invaded Europe and 6 million Jews were felled
But to no objective standard can the Nazi’s be held
You find them loathsome, vile, heartless, and cruel
But don’t mistake your indignation for a universal rule

Morality is but a figment of the human mind
Right and wrong cannot in reality be divined
Good and bad was not by a Creator designed
No standard exists higher than that created by mankind

Nothing is right or wrong, bad or good
There is no must, ought, or should
no mustn’t, oughtn’t or shouldn’t
There is only is and isn’t, was and wasn’t
did and didn’t, does and doesn’t

Onto the world your cherished beliefs you project
Against reality a rickety bulwark you fervently erect
After all, you have your comforting illusions to protect
But only lies you embrace, while the truth you reject

Desperately you cling to your conception of morality
Falsehoods with which you slip the chains of rationality
You are a fugitive from the truth, a reality escapee
But nihilism is no less true for failing to set you free

Your life bears no moral significance grounded in reality
To believe otherwise is sheer nonsense, utter illogicality
Your moral sentiments masquerade in you as truth
Resolutely you hold them with nary a shred of proof

Your right to life, liberty, and happiness inhere not in reality
These ideals are but manmade constructs in their totality
Do you really think you matter, do you really think you count
Sorry, my friend, but in the end to nothing does your paltry little life amount
You have no spirit, you have no soul
To your life there is no ultimate purpose, no ultimate goal
If you believe you have value, this illusion I’ll shatter
You’re but a chance collocation of atoms, a worthless lump of matter

You are your body and nothing more
a material creature to the very core
created by Mother Nature
a blind and unfeeling whore

No moral rules exist higher than those created by me
A given behavior is just so good or bad as I perceive it to be
I tell you this: if your interests happen to conflict with mine
to oblivion you and yours will unceremoniously be consigned

Is that inequitable, unjust, and unfair?
As long as I get what I want, why the fuck should I care?
So be it if my actions cause you and yours distress
For nothing or nobody will I my desires suppress
Am I bad? Does my ilk put the survival of the species at stake?
Ha! The naturalistic fallacy, my friend, is a grave mistake
‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’
is a maxim I willfully and enthusiastically eschew
I will change not one iota my attitude or my behavior
for you, your neighbor, or your personal Lord and Savoir

Fuck you, your gratuitous God, and your myths of creation
your spiritual redemption and your threats of damnation
your Constitution and your seventeen seventy-six declaration
your spurious argumentation and your moral indignation
your groundless moralizations and your arbitrary valuations
your egalitarian simplifications and your objectivist prevarications
your social obligations and your ethical codifications
your vacant proclamations and your blatant fabrications
your patent equivocations and your deliberate obfuscations
your mystical reincarnations and your logical gyrations
your religious denominations and your devout congregations
your immaculate conceptions and your messianic resurrections
your body/mind/soul trifurcations and your transubstantiations
your useless invocations and your pointless incantations
your baseless speculations and your utilitarian affectations
Hark ye, I care not a whit for the fate of civilization
My only concern is for me and my personal gratification

Suddenly there came a pounding on my bedroom door.

Dad: What the hell did you do to your brother’s car?

Brother: And why the hell did you park it in the vegetable garden?

I looked out my bedroom window. There it was, in the middle of the vegetable garden, covered in dirt, with flat tires, crunched bumpers and shattered windows. Whoops! How did that happen? Let’s see, I was at the video store talking to Sergio Leone…

Me: You’re Sergio Leone, eh? Okay…you’re dead…but okay…

Sergio: I’m-a da ghost of-a Sergio Leone.

Well, he was hovering off the ground - quite miraculous given his ample girth. Also, he was enshrouded in a shimmering mist, which made his features blurry and indistinct like an out of focus photograph. And he was…flashing…like a light bulb not screwed in tightly enough, no doubt because he was straddling the thin line between the corporeal and spiritual realms.

Me: Dude, you know you’re just a figment of my bemushroomed imagination, right?

Sergio: Stai zitto! I’m-a real ghost. And I tink I’m in-a hell!

Me: Why do you tink dat?

He rubbed his belly.

Sergio: io sono affamato! I’m-a hungry but dere’s-a nothing to eat-a. I crave da spaghetti and da meat-a ball.

I offered him some shrooms.

Sergio: I don’t want-a no mushrooms. I want-a spaghetti and da meat-a ball. Capisci?

Me: Then why are you haunting an obscure video store? If you want-a spaghetti and the meat-a ball, why aren’t you hangin’ out at Osteria Francescana’s?

Sergio: I no like what-a you say about C’era una volta in America.

He bunched his fingers together, with the tips touching and pointing upward, and shook his hands at me.

Sergio: Che cavolo dici? Eeets-a good film-a.

I imitated his gesture.

Me: No, eeets-a not a good film-a. Eeets-a piece of sheet-a.

He clenched his right fist and jerked his forearm up while slapping his right bicep with his left palm.

Sergio: Vaffanculo!

I got the distinct impression this appassionato ghost was insulting me, so I took a swing at him, but my fist went straight through his translucent body. I plumb forgot he wasn’t really there.

Sergio: What-a you no like about eeet?

Me: I no like-a the ringing phone-a.

Sergio: Why you no like-a the ringin’ phone-a?

Me: Eeet-a drive me up-a the wall-a.

Sergio: Eeets-a ringin’ for theme. Eeets a ringin’ forever in-a the Noodles head. Eeet represent his-a…how you say?…guilt-a stricken conscience.

Me: I no like-a the cupcake scene.

Sergio: Why you no like-a the cupcake?

Me: Eeet-a take too long. Get to the fuckin’-a point.

His tapped his right index finger against his head.

Sergio: Sei pazzo! Eeets-a bella…how you say?…beautiful scene. The boy, he-a grow up-a too fast, and he-a poor and-a hungry, so he-a choose da cupcake over da girl-a. He no have his-a cupcake and-a eat it too!

Me: Why doesn’t Noodles know that Deborah became a big star? Why doesn’t he know that Max is a corrupt politician involved in a public scandal?

Sergio: What name is-a da movie?

Me: Once Upon a Time in America.

Sergio: Dat’s-a right. Eeets-a fairy-tale for adults-a. Time has-a stood-a still for Noodles. He brings-a the key to Moe’s clock-a back, and it-a re-starts. Time has-a started anew for Noodles. He’s-a like…how you say?…Jack da Rip Van Winkle.

Me: Rip Van Winkle.

Sergio: Ripper Van Winkle.

Me: Rip, Rip - Rip Van Winkle.

Sergio: Dat’s-a what I said. Rip-a Van Winkle. You watch eeet again, no?

Me: I watch eeet again, no.

Sergio: I geeve you a hundred dollars. You watch eeet again-a.

Me: Okay.

He handed me a hundred dollar bill.

Sergio: You gotta fistful of dollars.

He chuckled. I didn’t get it.

Sergio: You like eeet this-a time.

And with that Sergio dematerialized, blubber and all. I turned back to the hippie, who was still gagging from the dollar bills I stuffed down his throat, and held up the hundred dollars.

Me: Do you see this?

Hippie: Yeah, man, just don’t shove it down my throat.

Me: A hallucination gave it to me to watch Once Upon a Time in America again. Ring me up.

Let me tell you about tripping and driving.

Whereas it took me five minutes to get from my house to the video store, it took me half the morning to get from the video store to my house. The trouble started when I dropped my keys on the Firebird’s floorboard, which was covered with Persian carpeting whose design consisted of lobed, multihued concentric medallions radiating to flowery borders. The key disappeared into the carpet, which was bubbling and swirling like a whirlpool, and when I reached down to feel for it my hand disappeared too, as though it had passed through the gateway to an alternate universe. I jerked my hand back lest my entire body be sucked into it. Okay, just relax. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and tried to calm myself, only to realize that my seat was quicksand and I was sinking into it. My brother’s malevolent car was about to swallow me whole and expel me out through the fucking exhaust pipe.

Me: Ah!!!!

A concerned citizen heard me screaming and rushed to my aid.

Concerned Citizen: Do you need help?

Me: I can’t find my keys. I lost my keys.

Concerned Citizen: There they are. On the carpet.

I looked down, but all I saw was an evil vortex threatening to suck me into eternal darkness.

Me: Ah!!!!

Concerned Citizen: Do you need a doctor?

Me: Could you start the car for me?

I slid to the passenger seat and the concerned citizen got in and started the car.

Concerned Citizen: Do you want me to drive you somewhere?

I leaned over and hugged this beautiful concerned citizen. He or she - did it matter? - had restored my faith in humanity.

Me: I love you. Do you know that? I’m okay now. Thank you concerned citizen.

Without a word, the concerned citizen patted my shoulder and took leave of me. I looked around: the car was just my brother’s silly Firebird, the Diminutivites and the Temujinites were making tender love, and all was right with the universe.

I hopped into the driver’s seat and headed for the exit. But which way was home? Do I turn right or left? I eeny-meeny-miny-moe’d it and turned left. The road, which stretched before me to infinity, was a vast body of undulating water, my car a boat floating atop it, the traffic lights distant beacons beckoning me home. One problem: I couldn’t quite figure out how the gas and brake pedals worked; they were mysterious mechanisms which seemed to push down forever. So my car moved in fits and starts down the road, slowly lurching along one moment, then suddenly propelling forward at great speed the next. I might be going 10 mph in a 50 mph zone or 90 mph in a 25 mph zone, narrowly missing rear ending cars in front of me and getting rear ended by cars in back of me. But I was feeling so happy and gay that when enraged drivers passed by screaming and giving me the finger, I would smile pleasantly and flash them the peace sign.

My depth perception also was seriously awry, making it impossible for me to accurately judge distances, and so I frequently found myself either stopping 20 feet in front of a red light or in the middle of a busy intersection. Horns blared, mouths yelled, middle fingers extended - but through it all I carried on my merry way. The problem was that I had no idea where I was. Places looked vaguely familiar but I couldn’t quite grasp where they were in relation to my house. I’d have to ask for directions home. Yippee! A Dunkin’ Donuts! I bounced over a curb and swerved into the parking lot, then skipped inside and ordered a baker’s dozen.

I devoured a cream-filled donut and showed Donut Man my driver’s license.

Me: Can you tell me how to get to this address?

Donut Man: Um, isn’t that your home address?

Me: Yes, yes it is - where is it?

Donut Man: Okay, well, um, you take a left on John R…

Me: Where’s John R?

Donut Man: The street you just came off.

Me: Right, then where?

Donut Man: Then go about a mile to Long Lake and take a right, then go about a quarter mile and take a left onto Crowfoot. That’s your street.

Me: Thanks, Donut Man.

I stuffed a powdered donut into my mouth and turned to leave…

Copper: Why if it isn’t The Boy with Bloodshot Eyes.

It was Officer I’ve Got My Eyes on You. Fascist donut-eating fuck.

Me: Top of the morning to you, Officer Sir, so nice to see you again.

Copper: Still got the munchies I see.

He looked probingly into my eyes.

Copper: Son, why are your pupils the size of flying saucers?

Me: Well, Officer Sir, that’s because I just came in from the glaring sun and my eyes are adjusting to these darker conditions. You see, Officer Sir, pupils constrict to reduce the amount of strong light that could be harmful to retina cells and they dilate to allow more light into the eye when the environment is darker. Sensation and perception 101, Officer Sir…

Copper: Are you condescending to me, college boy?

Stupid fuck.

Me: Oh, no Sir, Officer Sir. I’m merely cooperating with your interrogation.

Copper: I think you’ve been tripping this morning. Have you been tripping, boy?

Me: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Officer Sir. I did, of course, take a trip to this here donut shop… slash… crime-fighter hangout.

Uh-oh, he came at me aggressively, his face flushed, his brow furrowed, his nostrils flared, his jaw clenched. Methinks I’ve got livid swine on my hands. He got in my face and grunted and oinked with displeasure.

Copper: I don’t like your attitude, boy.

I wasn’t intimidated by his bullying or flustered by his fascist grilling, but my bemushroomed mind freaked out when I realized I could see the inner workings of this oinker’s body - his rapidly beating heart pumped boiling blood to his hands, preparing them to strike me; his hypothalamus spat testosterone, his adrenal gland spewed adrenaline, mobilizing his body for action against me; every muscle in his body was tightly coiled and ready to spring at me; his neural pathways lit up with an urgent message to his seething forebrain - attack!

This is when my syntax got all jumbled. I wanted to say “I didn’t mean to get you angry,” but that’s not how it came out.

Me: Angry you didn’t I mean to get.

Copper: Come again?

I wanted to say “I have to go home now.”

Me: Home to go now I have.

Copper: Boy, are you cracking wise with me again?

I wanted to say “Have a nice day, officer.”

Me: A nice officer have day.

I bolted for the door.

Copper: Hope you find your way home, punk.

Me: Concern thank you for your. Home will find I my way.

Copper: I’ve got my eyes on you.

Me: Too you on eyes my I’ve got.

He laughed as I bumbled out the door. The fool thought he had me intimidated.

Needless to say my encounter with the pig turned my trip from good to bad. A quick glance at my arm confirmed it: the Temujinites were on the warpath again. I’d completely forgotten the directions Donut Man had given me, so I eeny-meeny-miny-moe’d it and hit the road. That’s when I saw a mother duck and her ducklings crossing the road in front me. I slammed on the brakes and got out to chastise this haughty duck.

Me: Hey duck, do you think you own the road or something?

It didn’t strike me at all strange that the duck could talk.

Mother Duck: We’re just crossing the road to get to the other side.

Me: What, I’m just supposed to stop everything because you ducks have such urgent business on the other side of the road?

Mother Duck: Sorry if we inconvenienced you, Mr. Human Man, but we were just going to the pond.

And so there I was, on a beautiful Saturday morning, standing in the middle of the road arguing with a duck.

Me: You were jaywalking. From now on use the crosswalk at the intersection like everyone else.

Mother Duck: Sorry, Mr. Human Man, but that’s too far out of our way.

Me: You think you’re above the law, duck? These laws are in place for a reason, ya know? If you have no regard for your own safety, think about your ducklings. You’re putting them in danger. That’s irresponsible and downright immoral.

Mother Duck: Oh please! Don’t be so self-righteous. You humans are so silly. There’s no morality out here. Go back to your cozy house and shut up.

This was one wise duck. I had to concede her point. Humans are silly. It is as silly to think that morality exists for humans as it is to think it exists for ducks. She opened her mouth to say something else, but only loud honking came out. Then I realized it wasn’t coming from her: motorists were honking at me to get out of the middle of the road. Self-righteous fucks. I Ratso Rizzo’d them – “I’m walkin’ here!” – and then defiantly got back in my car.

I remember only one thing more about my bemushroomed journey homeward - and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. A hearse drove up next to me at a red light. The driver looked at me. I held his stare. Then his mouth contorted into a grotesque Cheshire grin which stretched impossibly from ear to ear.

Hearse Driver: Need a lift? Hop in the back.

I floored the car through the red light. It’s all a blank after that. But somehow I ended up in the vegetable garden.

Dad: I asked you what happened to your brother’s car.

Me: Hold on, give me a few minutes.

What did it all mean? Was any of it real? Sergio Leone? The Diminutivites? The concerned citizen? The copper? The duck? The hearse?

I sparked up a bowl and breathed the cleansing smoke into my lungs, letting the primo weed work its calming magic. Ah, that’s better. After convincing myself that it was all a hallucination, I lied down and rested my weary head on the pillow…and heard a crumpling sound. It was a handwritten note:

Eeets-a me. Sergio. I very much enjoy-a meeting you. I deedn’t get your-a name. You must-a be the boy with-a no name. Eeets a joke. Dis-a note prove I’m-a ghost, no? How else I-a get in-a your room? C’era una volta in America eees-a good film. You watch eeet again and like eeet dis-a time. I visit you tonight at-a the stroke of-a midnight.

Sincerely,

Sergio Leone

P.S. Get a job

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MY AMERICA - PART 4: HIPPIES AND SHROOMS

Although it was my custom to sleep late into the afternoon, I got up early the next morning, which was a Saturday, because I wanted to go to the video store and chastise QT. But first: breakfast. After an evening so fraught with drama, I was ravenous. Goddammit, there they were, all five of ‘em, sitting around the kitchen table looking at me as if I were some anonymous smell-feast who’d just wondered in off the streets. What the fuck ever.

My gullet desires all it can handle
and so to my seat I wordlessly ambled
to partake of fluffy eggs so delightfully scrambled

But not yet satisfied, my mouth opened wide
and in went eggs fried with a golden sunny side

With lips soaked with yolk, not one word I spoke
to the brother, or the sisters, or the olden folk

A stack of pancakes I syruped and buttered
my oh my was my plate getting cluttered

Yet still I had room for food to consume
with my fork, my knife, and also my spoon

The feeding frenzy had only just started
from these gastronomic delights I’d not be parted

Soon I was overtaken by a yen for crispy bacon
so get your ass up Mom and don your fuckin’ apron

Now let’s see what else into my mouth I can cram
gimme gimme gimme those thick and juicy slices of ham

I was getting thirsty, it was time for drinks
but first methinks I’ll eat a few sausage links

My family watched me, on their faces were frowns
Fuck you all, and just pass the hash browns

Dad: Don’t forget to save some for those starving children you’re so concerned about.

Not a moment’s reflection I give to famine
for I fervently worship at the altar of Mammon

I pay no heed to hungry children in need
Let them plead, let them bleed
There’s only one mouth I want to feed

Let the chillun starve, while my food I merrily carve
It’s not wrong, it’s not unfair
About them, I do not care
With them, I will not share
Let them weep, let them despair
I’ve food to eat, and none to spare

I chomp my sausage and munch my bacon
in blissful disregard for children godforsaken
For them, I give not a damn
To them, I extend not a hand
I’m not on a mission to improve their condition
Let the mortician deal with their malnutrition

Dad: Can’t you at least say good morning? Or can’t you chew and talk at the same time?

Me: Morning. Sleep well?

Dad: You know, your mother and I were just saying we don’t remember the last time we slept so soundly.

Mom: I must be getting old. I don’t even remember getting into bed!

Dad: Me neither! The last thing I remember was our fine son rushing downstairs to pour us cokes.

Mom: Yeah, it’s all a blur after that.

Brother: Hmmmm…I wonder if Coke added a new ingredient with soporific qualities.

Me: The soporific qualities were in the sitcoms, not the cokes.

Brother: Did you notice anything different about the taste?

Mom: Now that you mention it, it did taste a little bitter.

Brother: Hmmmm…it tasted bitter, you don’t remember a thing after you drank it, and…who poured it, again? That’s…odd.

Me: No, that’s not odd. But you know what is odd. That pathetic excuse for a haircut of yours. And you know what’s even odder than that? Just how fond you are of it. It would be a shame to lose it, wouldn’t it?

I stared my brother down and simulated a snipping motion with my index and middle fingers.

He recoiled in horror.

Me: Now…Coke didn’t add a new ingredient, did they?

Brother: No.

Me: Say it.

Brother: Coke didn’t add a new ingredient.

Me: You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?

Brother: No.

Me: Say it.

Brother: I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Me: There was nothing unusual about their Coke last night, was there?

Brother: No

Me: Say it.

Brother: There was nothing unusual about their Coke last night.

Me: See, Mom and Dad? Your Coke was fine. Nothing strange about it, nothing added to it. Okay, are we done here? Good. Glad we got that straightened out. I gotta go. I’m taking the Firebird.

I stared at my brother, daring him to protest.

Me: Any objections?

Brother: No.

Me: I can use your Firebird any time I want, can’t I?

Brother: Yes.

Me: Say it.

Brother: You can use my Firebird any time you want.

Me: Your mullet’s gotta go, doesn’t it?

Brother: No

Me: Say it!

Brother: No!

Mom: Your brother’s right, you should get rid of that…what is it - a mutton?

Brother: It’s a mullet and nobody’s cutting it.

Me: I’m outta here.

The video store opened at 10 a.m. I peeled out of the driveway in my brother’s Firebird at 9:55. Speed limits were broken. Red lights were run. Pedestrians were hurt. Did they not realize that my way is the right of way? It takes 15 minutes to get there. I got there in 5.

I grumbled my way into the store, flung the cassettes into the return bin, and looked for QT. He wasn’t behind the counter. Only the owner was - an aging hippie with a receding hairline and pony tail, a graying beard, a pot belly, and a raggedy tie-dyed Grateful Dead T-shirt that looked like it hadn’t been washed or ironed since Woodstock.

Me: Where’s QT?

Hippie: That cat split the scene, man. He booked to Hollywood with an outta sight screenplay. Somethin’ about dogs on a reservation.

Me: Yeah, good luck with that. Ya know, his taste in movies sucks. He recommended Once Upon a Time in America, which was terrible. Luckily, his ilk will soon be replaced by data-aggregating recommendation algorithms.

Hippie: Whoa, that’s some heavy shit, man.

Me: Listen, I want you to institute a new policy effective immediately.

Hippie: Lay it on me, brother.

Me: Customers get a full refund if they don’t like a film recommended to them by an employee. In my case, that would be $1.50 plus the 50 cents gratuity I paid QT. You owe me $2. Hand it over.

Hippie: It’s a bummer you didn’t like it. But it was your decision to rent it, man.

Me: But I wouldn’t have rented it if he hadn’t recommended it to me in the first place.

Hippie: I dig what you’re saying, but I can’t refund your bread, man.

Me: You mean you won’t refund it. Right, man? You greedy capitalist hippie.

Hippie: What’s your bag, man? Just hang loose. Peace, brother.

Me: Don’t give me that peace and love, flower child bullshit. Look at yourself, man. You blew it. You’re just a slave to the Establishment.

Hippie: We had the Establishment up against the wall, man. But the generations after us got lazy and let it all slip away. We didn’t blow it. You blew it, man.

Me: All you hippies did was drop out, drop acid, get stoned, listen to groovy music, love the one you were with, wear flowers in your hair, flash the peace sign, and protest a war because the draft had you quaking in your bell bottoms.

Hippie: You’re a drag, man. It was all about peace and love.

Me: No…it was about a utopian fantasy based on a naïvely optimistic conception of human nature. Did you really think you were gonna live in warm and cuddly communes with other groovy peace-loving people?

Hippie: All we were saying was give peace a chance.

Me: There’s only one problem with that - the species as it exists, with all of its horror and violence intact, is the species that has survived. That’s us.

Hippie: But we can be peaceful too, man.

Me: Our willingness to kill each other has been just as valuable historically as our desire for peace. Just look how great the annihilation of the North American Indian turned out.

Hippie: Peace is better than war.

Me: Is it?

Hippie: Yeah, man. War’s a drag. It’s just plain wrong, man.

Me: No, it’s not. War is neither right nor wrong. Nothing is. What we call morality is nothing more than a species of desire. Ultimately, one may be said to prefer bloodshed to peace for the same reason he happens to prefer green to blue. I like bloodshed. You like peace. I like green. You like blue. There’s nothing right or wrong, or good or bad about it.

Hippie: There never was a good war, or a bad peace. Benjamin Franklin.

Me: It is not bad. Let them play. Let the guns bark and the bombing-plane speak his prodigious blasphemies. It is not bad. It is high time. Stark violence is still the sire of all the world’s values. Robinson Jeffers.

Hippie: Never heard of the cat. And thank Buddha for that. Make love, not war.

Me: Drop napalm, not acid.

Hippie: Burn bras, not villages

Me: Throw grenades, not parties.

Hippie: Expand consciousness, not territory

Me: Plant mines, not flowers

Hippie: Roll joints, not tanks

Well, he’s got a point there. Still…

Me: Give me $2, not slogans.

He extended his hand to me.

Hippie: Brother, give me some skin, don’t skin me…

I was on the verge of hopping over the counter and teaching this peace-loving hippie the meaning of another slogan - might makes right - when he reached into his pocket and pulled out a brownish red mushroom with white spots.

Me: Is that what I think it is?

Hippie: Psychoactive fungi have gone by many names throughout human history. The Aztecs called them teonanácatl, or flesh of the gods. Mazatec shamans called them nti si tho, or that which springs forth. Great prophets and sages, such as Timothy Leary, called them magic mushrooms, shrooms, blue meanies, and liberty caps. Whatever you call them, one thing is certain: they’re the fungal pathway to Ultimate Truth. Brother, I invite you to partake of this divine mushroom and journey with me to the Clear Light of Reality. There we will find eternity in a yoctosecond, infinity in a quark. We will see sound, hear silence, smell color, taste shape, and touch God.

Me: Yes, aging hippie video store owner, I will accompany you on this mystical journey to the other side.

Hippie: Very well, brother. And if at the end of our trip you still desire your $2, I shall give it to you gladly.

He locked the front doors, put up the closed sign, and burned some incense, which filled the store with the aroma of patchouli. Then together we ingested a handful of mushrooms. A few minutes later - or was it an hour, who knows? - I was ready to declare the mushrooms unmagical and demand my $2… when suddenly…

…my hands and arms started rippling like running water. I looked closer and noticed something really far out: tiny multicolored organisms were swimming inside my watery arms. Groovy, man! I wasn’t freaked out, though, because I knew they were benevolent creatures. They weren’t just swimming; they were…frolicking - moving together in perfect unison, forming kaleidoscopic, flower-like patterns and beautiful geometric shapes, like harmonious chorines in a miniature Busby Berkeley number.

Me: Dude, look at my arms. Do you see this?

Hippie: What is it, man?

Me: I don’t know, man. Colorful little critters are putting on a lightshow.

Hippie: Whoa, those are Diminutivites. They’re a merry, festive little people.

Me: They’re people?

Hippie: Yeah, man. And all they do is sing, dance, and laugh all the live long day. You can hear them partying if you listen to the happy bubbles.

Me: Happy bubbles?

Hippie: Yeah, man. Look!

And there they were, emanating from my arms - tiny iridescent happy bubbles floating toward me. I reached out and touched one. When it popped I heard the cheery Diminutivites whopping it up. Soon hundreds of happy bubbles were floating all around me, and I gaily hopped around popping as many as I could, surrounding myself with the sounds of Diminutivite merrymaking.

Me: I hear them. I hear the happy little people.

Hippie: Groovy, man. You’re in touch with your inner Diminutivites.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any groovier, I looked into the hippie’s eyes, and things got even groovier. His eyes weren’t eyes. They were twin spiral galaxies. I stood before him, transfixed, watching his variegated irises swirl and wrap around the pupilar nucleus, feeling irresistibly drawn to the center of the ocular vortex, as if I’d entered the event horizon of a groovy black hole and was moving inexorably toward the hippie’s outta sight singularity. As I journeyed through the hippie’s eyes and into his brain, past his brain into his mind, and past his mind into his soul, I was not afraid, for I intuitively understood that I was entering a far out realm of never-ending light, all-encompassing serenity, and infinite compassion. Surrounding the hemispheres of his brain was a radiant halo of pure golden light, which began to pulse and bubble and morph into something with discernible features, something comfortingly familiar and instantly recognizable - a perfect sunshiny circle with two oval black eyes and an upturned semi-circular black mouth. It was a smiley face!

Me: Are you the hippie’s soul?

Smiley: I am he as you are he as you are me.

Me: Who am I?

Smiley: You are me as you are he as I am he.

Me: Who then is the hippie?

Smiley: He is you as he is me as I am you.

Me: And we are…all together?

Smiley: We are you as you are we as he is we as I am you.

Me: Yes, yes…I think I understand now.

Smiley: Also…

Me: Oh, there’s more…

Smiley: I am not I as you are not you as he is not he.

Me: So, basically, we’re each other but we’re not ourselves.

Smiley: I am no one because I am everyone. I am nothing because I am everything. I am nowhere because I am everywhere.

Me: Why are you?

Smiley: I am because I am not.

Me: So, then, Descartes had it all wrong. I am not, therefore I can’t think.

Smiley: I think I can’t think, therefore I am and am not.

Me: Thank you for imparting these words of wisdom, but I really have to get back to my body now. It’s been real.

Smiley: Has it?

Me: I don’t know.

Smiley: Peace out, brother.

Me: Peace out, Smiley Face.

And just like that I was back in my own body. Or was I? Was I even me anymore? All I knew for sure was that this hippie, this beautiful unwashed hippie, was a being of pure Goodness. Just look at him - he leaves rainbow trails behind him when he walks.

Me: I love you, man.

Hippie: I love you too, man.

We embraced. Damn. I love the guy and all, but he reeks of mildewy clothes, fetid sweat, stale cigarette smoke, and various herbs and spices.

Me: I talked to your soul.

Hippie: Far out, man. What did he say?

Me: He said I am you as he is me as you are he as you are me as I am he as he is you.

Hippie: Right on!

Me: He really opened my mind, man. I’m one with the universe now.

Hippie: Cool, man. Do you still want your $2?

Something about the question rubbed me the wrong way. Here I was speaking from the heart, telling him that I was one with the universe…and all he can do is ask if I want my money back? It seemed so…petty. Still, my love for him overcame this momentary annoyance.

Me: No, it’s yours. It’s just money, man.

Hippie: Are you sure? Because you can have it, man.

Why won’t he drop the issue?

Hippie: I’m bummed you didn’t like the movie. Take the bread, man.

I was getting pissed. I needed happy bubbles. What were the Diminutivites up to? I was stunned by what I saw next: the Diminutivites were being raped and slaughtered by bloodthirsty homunculi. No more happy bubbles. The only things floating toward me now were black and misshapen horrible bubbles, which when popped released a cacophony of Diminutivite screaming and wailing.

Me: They’re killing the Diminutivites.

Hippie: Oh my God, those are the Temujinites. Your trip has gone bad. If you don’t mellow out, man, those savages will exterminate the Diminutivites. Here…take your $2.

I grabbed him by the collar of his soiled tie-dyed T-shirt and shook him to and fro with such ferocity that his dandruff rained down upon me. I looked into his eyes. No galaxies. Just droopy, bloodshot hippie eyes.

Hippie: Brother, be one with the universe.

Me: I am one with the universe. And guess what? The universe is a violent and deadly place, and very, very pissed off right now.

Hippie: But I am you as you are me as we are all together.

Me: Shut up with that mystical mumbo-jumbo. I’ve got a message for you and that grinning idiot of a soul of yours: You are full of shit as shit is full of you as he is full of shit as shit is full of him as he is full of you as you are full of him.

Hippie: But I love you, man.

To shut this fuckin’ hippie up I stuffed two dollar bills down his throat and made him swallow them.

Me: There, now the bread is officially yours. But I won’t be this generous in the future, so listen closely: tell your infrahuman, monosynaptic clerks to stop recommending shitty films.

I was about to knock him into unconsciousness when I heard some guy say something behind me.

Man: scuse-a…scuse-a

The dude materialized out of nowhere. The front doors were locked and nobody had come in before me. This guy must be a hallucination. He was short and balding with a bushy, unkempt gray beard, comically large horn-rimmed glasses, and a Buddha-like paunch. And he spoke broken English in a thick Italian accent.

Me: Who the fuck are you?

Man: I’m-a Sergio Leone

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MY AMERICA - PART 3: MULLETS AND MORALITY

Goddammit! My infernal brother was pounding on the locked double doors.

Brother: Open the door!

Me: Shut the mouth!

Brother: I swear I’ll break this down if you don’t open up!

Me: I swear you’ll be playing Abel to my Cain if you don’t shut up!

A man can only be pushed so far. Was fratricide in the offing? Maybe, maybe not, but one thing was for sure: my brother had to be stopped. But I had a problem: that muscle-bound gadfly outweighed me by 25 pounds. I needed a weapon, so I turned on the lights to look for one as the pounding continued. I wasn’t concerned about my parents waking up - there wasn’t a megaton bomb explosion loud enough or a gamma ray burst bright enough to disturb their slumber. My only concern was the 200 pounds of roid rage standing between me and Once Upon a Time in America.

Brother: You little prick - let me in!

Me: Not by the hair on my skinny shin shin.

There had to be something in this 40 x 60 master suite I could weaponize. But what? A hairbrush from the his and her vanities? a hanger from the walk-in closets? a shard of glass from the chandelier hanging from the vaulted ceiling? the hefty Bible on the nightstand? a pillow from the king-sized four-poster canopy bed? the plunger by the designer toilet? A razor blade? No, too easily dropped. Maybe I could sculpt a piece of soap from the Jacuzzi steam shower into the shape of a gun, like Woody Allen in Take the Money and Run. Wait - I’ve got it! I bounded over to the closet and took a pair of tiny scissors from Mom’s sewing kit. Say hello to my little friend.

Clutching the miniature scissors, I flung open the double doors…

Me: Say hello to…

He was gone. I heard his beefy ass rumbling down the spiral staircase. If that fucker thinks he’s gonna control the family room… I blew Mom and Dad a kiss, gently closed the doors, and then tore down the stairs. I found him in the family room snooping around the bowl of popcorn.

Brother: What’s this?

It was the misdirected sleeping pill.

Me: I don’t know. Probably Dad’s heart pressure pill. Maybe you should take it. You seem a bit…tense.

He looked suspiciously at the suspiciously half-empty cups.

Brother: You little creep. You spiked their drinks, didn’t you?

Before I could answer he pushed past me toward the stairs, bent on tattling on me to Mom and Dad. I jumped on his back and attempted the Vulcan nerve pinch, but to no avail. He flung me on my ass. But as I sat there watching him move away from me, I had a moment of clarity, an aha! moment, what psychologists call the Eureka Effect. A good fighter identifies and exploits his opponent’s weak spots, and my brother’s weak spot was an unholy blot on the landscape: his mullet. If I could get a hold of that thing, I could use it to control my brother the way an equestrian uses reins to control a horse. It wouldn’t be easy, though, because as he ran the mullet bobbed and weaved up and down and all around like a pond duck on speed. I had one chance to grab it before he got up the stairs. I bolted after him and leapt headfirst through the air, zeroing in on my target like a mullet-seeking missile, my eyes fixed on the bouncing eyesore, my outstretched left hand reaching for it, my right hand gripping the tiny scissors, poised to start hacking. It was a direct hit! I grasped the mullet and tackled him at the foot of the stairs, then yanked his head back and held the scissors up to that tonsorial nightmare like an enraged barber, threatening to chop it off.

Brother: Not the mullet!

Me: Say oncle.

Brother: What?

Me: Say oncle. I wanna hear you speak French.

Brother: Alright, okay…oncle. I’ll say anything, just don’t harm the mullet.

Me: Anything? Okay, let’s see…say mullets are hairdos for procto-invading turd burglars who make love to cocks with their uvulas.

Brother: In French?

I tightened my grip on the mullet and smashed his head face first into the hardwood stairs.

Me: You wanna play Samson to my Delilah, smartass?

Brother: Alright, alright…but what’s with all the Biblical references?

Me: I’m about two seconds from performing a mulletectomy. Say it! In English!

Brother: Mullets are hairdos for procto-invading turd burglars who make love to cocks with their uvulas.

I yanked his mullet-head closer to me and spoke directly into his ear.

Me: Okay, now, you listen and you listen good. If you rat me out to the folks I’ll make it my life’s purpose to separate you from your mullet. Understand? Say one word about this and you and your mullet will never walk the streets safely again. You’ll always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if I’m sneaking up behind you with these…

I stuck the tiny scissors in front of his face.

Brother: No!

Me: Oh, yeah. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I’ll be there, right behind you. When you go to the movies…I’ll be there. When you drive your car…I’ll be there. When you lift weights…I’ll be there. When you make sweet love to your boyfriend, I’ll be there. When you get your mullet trimmed…I’ll be there. When you go to sleep…oh yeah…I’ll be there, too. Got me?

Brother: Okay, listen…I swear I won’t talk. I saw nothing. I heard nothing. I know nothing. Please, just let the mullet go.

I smashed his face into the hardwood stairs again.

Me: I’ll let go of the mullet when I decide to let go of the mullet and not before.

My sister walked in the front door.

Sister: What the hell are you doing?

Brother: Sis, he spiked Mom and Dad’s drinks. They’re upstairs, unconscious.

Sister: What?

Brother: Yeah, now he’s threatening to cut off my mullet if I talk.

Sister: No, not his mullet!

I tightened my grip and showed her the tiny scissors.

Me: That’s right. One word from either of you and dear old brother here gets de-mulleted. Looks like you could use a trim yourself, sis. I mean, c’mon, birds would happily nest in there if it weren’t for that impenetrable layer of Aqua Net hairspray. It’s 1989, ya know? The eighties are all but over. Isn’t it time for you two to update your fashions?

Brother: The mullet will never go out of style.

Me: Yeah, that’s what the longhairs said about their hippie-dos in the ‘60s and what the blacks said about their afros in the ‘70s. The mullet’s end draws nigh…

Brother: Shut up!

Me: …and if you don’t keep quiet I’ll hasten its demise starting with you.

Sister: We won’t talk.

I released the mullet, and my brother wobbled to his feet. My sister helped him up and wiped his bloodied face with a tissue.

Baby Sister walked in the front door.

Me: For fuck sake.

She whimpered when she saw my brother’s face and rushed to him. The three of them embraced and looked at me.

Sister: Look what you did to him. Look what you’ve done to this family. Why are you doing this? Why did you spike Mom and Dad’s drinks?

Baby Sister blubbered something unintelligible.

They were trying to make me feel guilty, but it wouldn’t work.

Me: Not that I have to answer to you, but I did it because I wanted to watch a movie in the family room…and what I want I take.

Sister: Are you insane? You spiked Mom and Dad’s drinks and beat up your brother because you wanted to watch a movie?

Me: That’s right. Anything wrong with that?

Sister: How can you even ask that? Of course, there’s something wrong with that!

Me: Enlighten me.

Brother: Forget it, sis. He thinks because he reads Nietzsche he’s a Superman. Morality doesn’t apply to him. He’s above it.

Me: Actually, dear brother, I’m not above morality. Nor am I below it. Nor am I even with it. Nor am I inside of it or outside of it. I am not above it, below it, even with it, inside of it, or outside of it because morality doesn’t exist.

Sister: How can you think that?

Me: There are no moral phenomena at all, but only a moral interpretation of phenomena.

Brother: Look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a Nietzschean Superman!

Me: It is not possible to do something wrong. It is only possible to call something wrong. Watch, I’ll demonstrate…

I punched my brother in the face, knocking him to the ground.

Me: See? Nothing wrong with that.

Sister: Yes…it is wrong!

Me: You can call it wrong all you like, but no matter how passionately you shout, it won’t make it so.

Sister: Some things are wrong! It’s wrong what you’re doing here tonight for starters! You don’t think molesting children is wrong? You don’t think rape is wrong? Murder?

Me: No, I don’t. It’s only wrong in your head and in the heads of those who think likewise. It’s not wrong outside of your head, in the physical world, in reality. The universe, my dear siblings, is utterly amoral. Were I to rape and murder a small child, I’d be doing nothing wrong. I’d merely be raping and murdering a small child. Reality cares not for little children. And that includes you, Baby Sister.

Baby Sister shuddered and clung to her siblings.

Brother: You godless, evil monster. I can’t believe you’re my brother.

Me: Why? Because I don’t believe in fairy tales?

Brother: Because you’re evil.

Me: Cart squarely before horse. I can’t be evil if evil doesn’t exist. Instead of hurling insults at me, why don’t you explain to me why raping and murdering a small child is evil?

Brother: I won’t dignify that with a response. What you’re saying is nuts, it’s absurd.

Me: It would be absurd if there were such a thing as morality, as good and evil. But since there isn’t, it is your position, my brother, that’s absurd. You’re mistaking your own moral indignation for a universal truth. Morality is the fable you long to withhold from reason.

Brother: I see no reason to adopt your appalling worldview.

Me: You don’t need a reason to adopt it. You need a reason not to. Give me a reason. Enlighten me, brother.

Sister: I’ll give you a reason. Because hurting people is wrong. Because human life has worth. Because taking someone’s life is robbing them of something extremely valuable.

Me: Valuable to the victim. Not the murderer. Why should the murderer consider his victim valuable? There’s nothing inherently valuable about a human being. Allow me to wax pedantic for a moment. 99% of the human body is composed of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorous. The remainder is mostly trace elements of other chemicals. What’s valuable about that? My dear siblings, you’re just a chance arrangement of atoms with no more inherent value than any other piece of matter. You may consider yourself and those you love valuable. But why should anyone else?

Sister: There’s more to us than that. We have minds and souls. We have value because God created us in his image and because we belong to Him and He loves us. No one has the right to harm what belongs to, and is loved by, God.

Me: Sunday school fairy tales. You’re projecting your own sense of worth out into the world and up into the heavens. But it’s not out there, sister. It only exists inside of you.

Sister: You don’t know that.

Me: Tell me, dear sister, what happens when we die? Can you give an accounting of it?

Sister: No, I don’t know for sure and either do you.

Me: I can tell you exactly what happens. Your brain functions cease. Your heart stops. Your lifeless body turns cold and stiff. Your skin turns from pale to green to purple to black. Your hair, nails, and teeth loosen and fall out. Bacteria that aided digestion when you were alive start feasting on your corpse. Your body fills up with foul-smelling gas…

Brother: Shut up!

Me: …your tongue protrudes from your mouth. Your eyes bulge from their sockets. Your rotting intestines ooze out of your rectum. Bloody fluid seeps out of your nose and mouth…

Baby Sister: Make him stop!

Me: …your abdomen swells to twice its normal size. Your internal organs rupture and liquefy. Finally, your distended belly bursts open with a hissing sound, spilling the reeking contents in a final loathsome purge.

Brother: Happy now? What does that prove?

Me: Those are the facts.

Sister: That’s what happens to the body, not the soul.

Me: Yeah, right, I forgot…you’re not really your body, are you? Death isn’t really death, is it? What really happens is that your soul flutters up to heaven and spends eternity with your all-loving, omnibenevolent God, right?

Sister: Some of us will. Not you.

Me: You’ve concocted a feel-good fantasy to escape the brute reality of your inevitable finitude.

Sister: I’ve had enough of your insanity. You’re upsetting Baby Sister.

Baby Sister: Mommy and Daddy say my soul will go to heaven.

I knelt down for a heart to heart talk with Baby Sister.

Me: Listen, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy have been lying to you, okay. God doesn’t exist and you have no soul. There’s no heaven, and when you die, that’s it. No more Baby Sister. You’re just a cute little collection of molecules. Your body will rot and decay and get all stinky, and maggots and worms will eat you all up. And the atoms of which you were composed will scatter to the wind and seep back into the ground from whence you came, okay pumpkin? It will be as if you had never existed at all. It’ll be like it was before you were born - complete and utter nothingness for eternity.

Baby Sister: No, I want my Mommy!

Me: Mommy can’t hear you, doodlebug.

Baby Sister: Is she okay? Is she dead?

Me: No, she’s not dead, cutie. Not yet anyway. But she will die, if not today or tomorrow, then someday soon. And the same thing will happen to her. She’ll be eaten by maggots and worms and you’ll never, ever see her again, okay sweetheart?

Baby Sister: Daddy, too?

Me: Daddy, too. And your brother and sister and your friends and everyone else you know and love - they’ll all be sucked into an immense black void forever. You see, snookums, we live in a godless, amoral universe bereft of meaning and purpose. Nothing matters at all. Nothing has any real value or worth. Not Mommy. Not Daddy. Not your brother and sister. Not even you, cupcake. If I slit your throat right now with these tiny scissors, guess what? It wouldn’t mean a thing. There’s no such thing as right and wrong or good and bad, okay dumpling? Those are just vacant concepts made up by silly people with a deep-seated dread of nihilism.

Brother: Stop it!

Me: Just one more thing, sweet pea. You know what else Mommy and Daddy have been lying to you about?

Baby Sister: What?

Me: Santa Clause

Baby Sister: Santa, too?

Me: That’s right, peanut, there’s no Santa either. Think about it: how can he possibly deliver toys to children all over the world in one night? It can’t be done. He just doesn’t exist. It’s all a big fat lie. But do you know who does exist?

Baby Sister: Who?

Me: The Boogeyman. And if you say anything to Mommy and Daddy about what you’ve seen or heard tonight, the big, bad boogeyman will get you while you sleep, okay honey bunny?

I gently pinched her cheek, playfully poked her bellybutton, and stood up.

Sister: Don’t listen to him, honey. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Me: Okay, I’ve had enough of you people. You’ re a real buzz kill, you know that?

I grabbed my pipe, took a monster hit, and blew the smoke in their faces.

Me: Now, listen… all of you are to go to your rooms and stay there for the rest of the night. Downstairs is off-limits. Verboten! Got me? I’m gonna watch a movie in the family room and under no circumstances am I to be disturbed. Now go!

They obediently walked upstairs and I headed to the family room, marveling at the intimidating power of my tiny scissors.

It was after midnight when finally I popped the cassette into my trusty Zenith VHS VCR Model VR 1830 and settled into my comfy couch to watch what was sure to be a riveting gangster saga. Let’s just say that my love affair with Once Upon a Time in America did not begin the first time I saw it. Love at first sight it wasn’t. I spent the next four hours in a state of complete befuddlement, which was only partially due to the weed. Why is a phone ringing 100 times? Answer it! Why is a street urchin taking 15 minutes to eat a cupcake? Eat it! Why is De Niro stirring coffee for half an hour? Drink it! Why is a Chinaman taking forever to load De Niro’s opium pipe? Smoke it! What’s with the garbage truck? Where did Pesci go? Where did Eve come from? Why hasn’t Deborah aged? Why is De Niro smiling at me?

The film bore only a superficial resemblance to The Godfather, which had a classical narrative structure, a straightforward storyline, and coherent characterizations. Once Upon a Time in America, with its elliptical, time-jumping narrative, had more in common with European art cinema - though I wouldn’t have put it in those terms at the time. All I knew is that it sucked. I fell asleep that night cursing everyone involved with the film. And QT? Tomorrow he’s a dead man.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MY AMERICA - PART 2: MICKEYS AND MUNCHIES

The idea occurred to me ten interminable minutes into Who’s the Boss?: I would spike their nightly cappuccino with sleeping pills. But, wait, doing so would require money, and only my parents had that. Damn catch-22s! Happily, the dilemma was easily resolved. I told Mom I needed a dress shirt for job interviews. I asked her for $50. She gave me $100. I love my Mom. So into our black Bentley I hopped and off I sped to the local pharmacy. Once there, I decided it was foolish to buy the pills when I could just unscrew the cap and pour them into my pocket. In they went, next to my pipe. I’d use the cash to buy munchies instead:

So into my cart I threw not a few
creamy Suzy Q’s and chewy Charleston chews
Then bag after bag after bag after bag
of Doritos and Cheetos and Fritos I grabbed
Then in a neat row I did toss and I did throw
Ho hos, Rolos, oreos and some cookie dough
Next I did take a yummy Little Debbie cake
and some ice cream for a chocolaty milk shake
Then off I did zip at a rapid clip
for the potato chips and the onion dip
Then in I did stuff two giant bags of Cheese Puffs
‘cause one was not nearly cheesy or puffy enough
When upon my eyes laid Pringles, I got the full body tingles
And, oh my stars…Behold! over yonder it’s a Snickers from Mars
And last but not least to complete my feast
I moved my two feet for a Twinkie to eat
Oh, ain’t it moist, creamy and sweet?

Ah, fuck. A copper was standing at the checkout counter. I tiptoed up behind him as quietly as possible with my cart, but the sleeping pills clickity-clacking against my hash pipe gave me away. He turned and nodded at me, then did a double take. You see, at this point my eyes resembled those of a nocturnal animal photographed with an infrared camera. He looked at my eyes, then at my cart o’ munchies, then back at my eyes.

Copper: Have you been toking tonight, son?

Fascist fuck.

Me: Oh, no sir, officer sir. Why would you think such a thing?

Copper: Why are your eyes so bloodshot?

Me: Well, officer sir, I’ve been swimming all day and the chlorine irritated them.

Copper: Uh-huh, and why is your cart full of munchies?

Me: Stocking up for Halloween, officer sir.

Copper: In June?

Me: Well, officer sir, you’ve heard of Christmas in July? This is Halloween in June.

Copper: Are you cracking wise with me, boy?

Me: Oh, heavens no, officer sir. I’m merely cooperating with your interrogation.

He turned to leave, but then looked back at me.

Copper: I’ve got my eyes on you, son.

Me: Thanks for protecting and serving me, officer sir.

I extended him my heartiest dactylion as he went out the door, and then put my munchies on the counter. The cashier was a cute high school girl, maybe 16 or 17, with a new wave hairdo, one of those asymmetrical numbers where the hair was clipped short on one side, long and flowing on the other, as though she couldn’t decide if she were a rebel punk or a glamour girl. She must have been impressed by the way I handled the pig because she smiled coyly at me.

Girl: You’re, like, totally stoned aren’t you?

Me: Are you kidding - fuckin’ blazed.

She covered her mouth with pink press-on nails and giggled.

Me: Want some? Primo shit.

Girl: Like…here? Not even!

Me: C’mon, the oinker’s gone.

Girl: I’m so sure! What if, like, someone comes in?

Me: They’ll get a contact buzz. C’mon. Let’s party.

Girl: As if!

Not taking “as if” for an answer, I loaded my pipe, handed it to her, and swiped a Bic lighter from a display case.

Girl: Oh my God. This is, like, so totally radical.

She put the pipe between her bright fuchsia lips. I leaned in and fired it up. She inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in her lungs for a few seconds before slowly releasing it, her face the picture of serenity as the smoke spiraled up toward the ceiling.

Girl: Ahhh, that’s, like, totally mellow.

Me: Take another hit.

My loins stirred as she placed the pipe back in her Revlon mouth. I had to have her - right now. Yeah, I have a girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean shit. No woman has a claim on me. And I have a claim on no woman. I belong to womankind. And womankind belongs to me. Monogamy is for emasculated pussy-whipped conformist fools. Evolution equipped me with a desire to deposit my seed in as many fertile young devotchka’s as possible, and that’s precisely what I was going to do. I hopped over the counter, nudged her backward, and put my arms on each side of her, trapping her against the wall. She looked up at me with her cerulean-shadowed emerald eyes and we kissed, our tongues hungrily probing each other’s mouths, our hands eagerly exploring each other’s bodies. She sighed as I hickey’d her smooth, lily-slender neck and unhooked her satin lace bullet bra and caressed her creamy, still-blossoming breasts. Enraptured, I buried my head in her silken hot pink hair, letting the alluring fragrance of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific shampoo, Obsession perfume, and primo marijuana wash over me.

Me: Now I want you to smoke my other pipe. Will you do that for me?

Girl: Yes, yes…

She went down on me behind the counter. I ate a Suzy Q while she brought me to full tumescence. Then I flung her on the counter, ripped off her designer jeans, and took her right there, between the cash register and the tabloid magazines. I didn’t have a lot of time, so I quickly induced multiple orgasms in her with my prodigious cocksmanship. Fifteen minutes later three hundred million of my sperm were frantically swimming toward her fallopian tube. We lay there spent and satisfied, oblivious to what was happening around us. Then a man cleared his throat. We looked up and saw a balding, middle-aged guy standing at the counter. Caught in flagrante delicto by a bourgeois perv.

Girl: May I help you?

Man: I’ll have what he’s having…

We got When Harry Met Sally’d.

Suddenly I heard ungodly screeches coming from the front doors. No fucking way - it was the little girl and her mother from the video store. The little girl, her fragile psyche now irreparably shattered, clung to her mother, whimpering and muttering incoherently, destined for a lifetime of institutionalization. I pulled out of the cashier, put my pants back on, tossed my munchies into the cart, and wheeled toward the exit, pausing to blow a kiss to the cashier, pat the bald guy on the head, and tip my imaginary hat to the mother and her shattered little girl before rolling out the door.

No sign of the copper. I couldn’t wait to get in the car - the sex, not to mention the pot, had made me ravenous. The ensuing feeding frenzy lasted from the parking lot to my driveway, punctuated by monster bowl hits at red lights. Mothers Against Baked Drivers can blow me. So can Officer I’ve Got My Eyes on You. I just hope the old man doesn’t notice the Twinkie cream stains on the Bentley’s tan leather seats.

The Golden Girls was on when I got in. Things were going perfectly according to plan. The night was still young…the cappuccino was brewing…and I had the pills. Soon I’d take control of the family room and be watching Once Upon a Time in America. I was sure the old folks would get their cappuccino during the commercial break, but to my surprise they didn’t budge from their seats.

Mom: Did you get the shirt?

Me: The shirt? Oh, the shirt. Yeah…no…they were all out…of…shirts.

Mom: Out? Where did you go?

Me: Never mind that. Mmmm, the cappuccino sure smells yummy. Stay right there, I’ll get it for you.

Mom: That’s sweet of you, honey, but we already had ours. When you were out.

Me: What? That’s impossible. I smell it brewing, for Christ’s sake.

Mom: We left you some, sweetie.

Me: I don’t want any. You finish it. Both of you. I’ll get it.

Dad: Another cup? No way - we’d be up all night.

Not with the cup you’d drink, old man.

Me: You’re just gonna let it go to waste? Children are starving in…Biafra…or wherever…and you’re wasting good cappuccino?

Dad: You drink it if you’re so concerned. Or send it to Biafra - though you’d be about 20 years too late.

Ah, fuck. Now what? Betty White and the girls were sitting around the kitchen table eating cheesecake. My parents were laughing, having a grand old time. The worthless cappuccino was getting cold. Children were starving somewhere. And I still had the munchies. I repaired to my room with a bag of Doritos and brainstormed ways to gain control of the family room. I crunched a Dorito. I crunched another Dorito. I crunched a third Dorito. The brainstorming wasn’t working. I had nothing. Amid the haze of my marijuana high all I could do was fantasize about Avery Schreiber-izing them out of the room with deafening Dorito crunches.

That’s when the answer came wafting up to my room in a buttery aroma. Could it be? I perked up my ears and heard the sweet popping melody. Yes, my parents were making popcorn. Where there was popcorn there were sure to be drinks and where there were drinks…

I grabbed the sleeping pills and sprinted to the kitchen.

Dad: Too bad you don’t move that fast when you hear about a job opening.

Too bad you won’t be moving at all in ten minutes.

Me: I’ll get the drinks. What’re you having?

Dad: Coke. Decaf.

Me: Right, we wouldn’t want you up all night. Mom?

Mom: Same, sweetie.

Me: Two decaffeinated cokes coming up.

I poured the drinks and was ready to spike them when I sensed the old folks hovering over me. I looked up and there they were with their bowls of popcorn, watching me, waiting for their drinks. I couldn’t slip in the pills without them seeing me do it.

Me: Just pouring the drinks. Go on ahead. I’ll be there in a few seconds.

Dad: Aren’t you having any?

Me: No.

Dad: Popcorn?

Me: Nope.

Dad: What are you up to?

Me: What?

Dad: Are we to believe that you dashed down here just to pour us drinks out of the goodness of your heart?

Me: Can’t a guy do something nice for his parents without having some ulterior motive? Jeez!

Dad: Honey, is it me or is he up to something?

Mom: Oh, he’s definitely up to something.

Me: Would you just go sit down and let me finish pouring the drinks?

Dad: What is taking you so long? Give me that.

Dad yanked the bottle of Coke away from me, handed me the bowls of popcorn, and grabbed the drinks himself.

Dad: Let’s go.

We walked to the family room together - I with the popcorn, Dad with the unspiked drinks.

Baked to a mellowy perfection, I plopped into our downy sofa and felt as though I were sitting on a piece of cotton floating through a fluffy cumulus cloud. For a moment there I was actually enjoying myself. I was almost resigned to the idea that I’d just have to wait it out when canned laughter from Empty Nest, an inane spinoff of The Golden Girls, penetrated my happy zone. I must put a stop to this. But how was I going to spike their drinks? Our sofa was a 10 piece u-shaped sectional, and as a rule I sat at least one cushion removed from my parents, which meant I couldn’t reach their drinks on the coffee table without making an obvious lunge in that direction. I had two options: 1) Get closer to their cups by moving to the cushion next to Dad, or 2) Toss the pills into the cups from where I was.

I figured the odds of success were better with Option 1. But how would Dad react to my sitting next to him? It was a risky move, but worth a try. So the next time they lost themselves in laughter I furtively slipped into the cushion next to Dad, feigning laughter alongside him. Dad looked at me with suspicion. I looked at Dad with apprehension. We stared at each other for a few seconds. Please make it stop.

Dad: What. Are. You. Doing.

Me: Sitting here.

Dad: Don’t.

Me: Okay.

I moved back to where I was. Option 2 was my only hope. I was about to attempt what they call in basketball parlance a three-point bomb. I calculated that the minimum launch speed angle of the pill should be 47.4 degrees and that the optimum entry angle to the cup should be 43.8 degrees. Obviously, to pull this off requires exceptional hand-eye coordination and exquisite fingertip control. Brimming with confidence, I squared my body to the cup, locked my eyes on the target, positioned my elbow at a 90 degree angle, and gently held the pill between my right index finger and thumb.

Okay, here we go: 1…2…3

With a slight, tightly controlled backward-and-forward flick of my wrist I let the pill fly, slightly separating index finger and thumb at the point of release and finishing with a smooth, continuous follow-through. And there it went, arcing through the air at the perfect trajectory, maintaining minimum flight velocity, and zeroing in on its target with precision accuracy. And then…

….it clanged off the front of the rim, careened past Dad, and went straight into the bowl of popcorn.

Son of a bitch. Luckily, my oblivious parents were too busy laughing to notice the misguided projectile. A slight modification to my release point should do the trick.

1…2…3

Swish!

Then I got the hot hand and couldn’t miss - hook shots, fadeaways, bank shots off one cup and into the other. I was on fire! My parents remained blissfully unaware of what was happening under their noses. I buried five pills in each cup and let the corrosive effects of Coke do the rest. Now all I had to do was wait. I smiled with satisfaction, clasped my fingers together, rested my head against a downy pillow, and…

…fell asleep.

I woke up at the end of Johnny Carson’s monologue. The old folks, who’d gotten half way through their drinks, were zonked out. I carried Mom up to bed without incident. But when I reached the foot of the stairs with Dad, my brother unexpectedly walked in the front door and saw me carrying him. It looked bad, what with Dad’s head hanging over my left forearm, his calves and feet hanging over my right forearm.

Brother: What the hell is going on?

Me: Shhhhh! He fell asleep watching TV and I’m putting him to bed.

Brother: You’re putting Dad to bed? What is he, an infant?

Me: Keep your voice down, dickwad. He had a trying day at the office and I didn’t want to wake him.

Brother: Jesus, he’s drooling all over the place.

It was true. A string of drool hung from his mouth to the floor. Even worse, he started muttering.

Dad: …he…is…up… to something…up…to…no good…

Brother: What did he say?

When my brother stepped closer I swung Dad out of the way and banged his head on the banister. He stopped muttering after that.

Brother: Jesus Christ, he’s not sleeping, he’s unconscious. What the hell did you do to him?

Me: This man is exhausted. Understand, shithead? So excuse me while I tuck him in.

With that, I bolted up the stairs, ran down the hall to my parents’ room, flung Dad on the bed next to Mom, and shut and locked the door just before my brother got there. As I tucked Dad in for the night it dawned on me that this is when they usually go to bed anyway. All my efforts were pointless. But that’s okay, for I was suddenly overcome with deep love for my folks. Just look at ‘em - snug and secure, sleeping peacefully, blessedly quiet. Gee whiz, they’re swell. I’m so glad I didn’t massacre them.

But enough of this sentimental mush. It was time to watch Once Upon a Time in America!